Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: [pretending to be serious] Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you.
Jim Halpert: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
[showing Creed the picture of a pile of marijuana]
Creed: That is Northern Lights, Cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [disappointed] No. It's marijuana.
Jim Halpert: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it.
[We see a clip of Jim talking to Pam after he had stayed quiet for her the entire day in a game of Jinx]
Jim Halpert: What is he getting out of that relationship?
Dwight Schrute: [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?
Oscar: Okay, I'm done with this.
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.
Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot, which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight *finding* drugs is more dangerous than most people *using* drugs.
Dwight Schrute: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Dwight Schrute: I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Kelly Kapoor: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...
Dwight Schrute: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly Kapoor: 6:00.
Jim Halpert: [referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform] You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.
Michael Scott: [explaining to Dwight why he needs his urine] I went to an Alicia Keys concert over the weekend. And I think I might have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Angela Martin: [deleted scene] I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high. Which is why now I lift.
Pam Beesley: Jim cannot speak until he buys me a Coke. Those are the rules of Jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan Howard: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.