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"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom (TV Episode 2006) Poster

Quotes

Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is she doing here?

Waitress: What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you, I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off, because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!

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Dee Reynolds: I want my job back.

Charlie Kelly: And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.

Dee Reynolds: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

Charlie Kelly: No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

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Charlie Kelly: [to Dennis, while singing] I know something you don't know.

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Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!

Charlie Kelly: Interesting...

Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...

Charlie Kelly: I think you should do it!

Mac: ...What?

Charlie Kelly: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?

Mac: Right!

Charlie Kelly: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.

Charlie Kelly: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.

Mac: That doesn't make any sense.

Charlie Kelly: It doesn't have to make sense.

Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!

[they both laugh maniacally]

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Mrs. Mac: Don't find you attractive.

Dennis Reynolds: What?

Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.

Dennis Reynolds: You think I'm ugly?

Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds: I'm not ugly. You're ugly.

Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds: [getting fed up] Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman? You're saying that I'm un... you don't find me attractive?

Mrs. Mac: No.

Dennis Reynolds: And you're what, not gonna have sex with me?

Mrs. Mac: No.

Dennis Reynolds: This is ridiculous. I'm, I'm out of here.

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Charlie Kelly: THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

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Charlie Kelly: [looking at calculator] What... are... you?

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Frank Reynolds: It's just maybe - I think you're too old for me.

Angie Spinola: Frank, I'm two years younger than you.

Frank Reynolds: That's what I'm talking about.

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Frank Reynolds: Remember the time we robbed a motorcycle an ran it into the river? Oh, you must be doing shit like that now, huh? Come on.

Angie Spinola: Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.

Frank Reynolds: Oh... you said you weren't married.

Angie Spinola: Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.

Frank Reynolds: Oh...

Angie Spinola: Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home. Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.

Frank Reynolds: Oh, shit!

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Waitress: No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds: Why not?

Waitress: Because... I really... like you.

Dennis Reynolds: Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...

Waitress: Then let's just take it slow, okay?

Dennis Reynolds: Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...

Waitress: ...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!

Dennis Reynolds: I kinda don't want you to say anything.

[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]

Dennis Reynolds: Hold that thought.

[turns away, takes call]

Dennis Reynolds: Yo.

Charlie Kelly: I'm ready to talk.

Dennis Reynolds: Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.

Charlie Kelly: Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.

[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]

Waitress: Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.

Dennis Reynolds: You're good! Haha.

Waitress: Haha, okay. Well let's go.

Dennis Reynolds: No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.

Waitress: Really? Because I... don't... need to now...

Dennis Reynolds: [starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.

Waitress: Call me!

Dennis Reynolds: Ahahahaha!

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Dennis Reynolds: [holding flowers and chocolates] Hi.

Mrs. Mac: What?

Dennis Reynolds: I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in? I'm a friend of her son's.

Mrs. Mac: I know you, Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh... oh, my God... ah... it's been a long time. I haven't seen you in a while, you look different.

Mrs. Mac: I gained a little weight.

Dennis Reynolds: Is that what it is? 'Looks good on ya.

Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah... Mind if I sit?

[Mrs. Mac groans]

Dennis Reynolds: So, watching a little TV outside, huh?

Mrs. Mac: I like the fresh air.

Dennis Reynolds: Probably gets a little lonely though, every once in a while, watching TV out here by yourself. Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?

[Mrs. Mac sighs]

Dennis Reynolds: Someone to fulfill your desires?

[puts hand on Mrs. Mac's thigh]

Mrs. Mac: Oh... Not interested.

Dennis Reynolds: Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac. Why don't we go inside and have a little fun.

Mrs. Mac: 'Don't find you attractive.

Dennis Reynolds: What?

Mrs. Mac: I think you're an ugly man.

Dennis Reynolds: You think I'm ugly?

Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds: I'm not ugly, you're ugly.

Mrs. Mac: Yeah.

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Dennis Reynolds: Hey!

Waitress: Dennis, hey!

Dennis Reynolds: Got somethin' for ya.

Waitress: What?

[Dennis gives her flowers]

Waitress: Really?

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah!

Waitress: Wow, oh, thank you! That's really nice.

Dennis Reynolds: Can I take your coat?

Waitress: Uh, are we staying here?

Dennis Reynolds: No no, I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.

Waitress: Ah, haha, okay.

[takes off coat, poses for Dennis]

Waitress: So, what do you think?

Dennis Reynolds: Yyyyeah, okay... that'll work. Are you not wearing make up?

Waitress: ...I'm wearing make up.

Dennis Reynolds: Really?

Waitress: Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds: Do you have any more?

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Dennis Reynolds: Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".

Charlie Kelly: You're not gonna get away with this.

Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?

[Dennis opens door]

Dennis Reynolds: [whispers] 10:30.

Charlie Kelly: [after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?

[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

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Waitress: I'm going to stab him, I'm going to stab his face off!

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