- Judith Harper: [Jake's teacher wants to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school] Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
- Alan Harper: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
- Francine: You know, I'm organizing a drama club. Would that be something that Jake would have any interest in, or do you think he gets enough drama at home?
- Alan Harper: It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.
- Charlie Harper: So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!
- Alan Harper: I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interests of, you guessed it... *old wives*!
- Judith Harper: [spots Kandi across the room] Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave *me* a diamond necklace!
- Alan Harper: Yeah? Well, you never gave *me* extra special, bonus sex!
- Alan Harper: Jake, I want you to tell your uncle what you wanted to sing.
- Jake Harper: It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho"!