Patrick: This grain of sand looks very suspicious. And so does this rock. And I have some questions for this little piece of grass.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother. And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg.
Patrick: [about the person who made the giant clam at the zoo cry] When I find this person, I have a few choice words to say to him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You know what that cloud reminds me of?
SpongeBob SquarePants: A flower.
Sandy: SpongeBob, they all look like flowers. All the time.
SpongeBob SquarePants: They sure do.
Patrick: Hey, we are not chicken!
[Drops bucket of popcorn]
Patrick: My popcorn!
[Pecks popcorn like a chicken]
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!
[Spongebob screams in terror and his limbs and eyes pop off]
Patrick: This is it all the clues are coming together, I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! I'm so close to solving this crime I can almost taste it!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's mouth as he licks what appears to be SpongeBob]
Patrick: [zooms out to reveal he's licking a Popsicle with Spongebob's skin pattern on it] Boy fighting crime sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!
SpongeBob SquarePants: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!
Police fish: [to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [nervously] Y-Yes!
[his upper body drops into his pants]
Police fish: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes...
Police fish: And are you familiar with this peanut?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!
Police fish: One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Police fish: That's all we need to know son. Book him!
[puts handcuffs on Patrick]
Patrick: Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!
Sandy Cheeks: [hears Clamu crying in the background] Oh I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter, what kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about Sandy
Sandy Cheeks: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!
[rips a phone book in half]
Sandy Cheeks: Now what was it you wanted to talk about SpongeBob?
[Spongebob reacts nervously and starts twitching]
Sandy Cheeks: Hey SpongeBob how come you're all twitchy like that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut!
[He runs home]
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob doesn't have hair!... or does he?
[reacts in disgust]