- [the guys watch Sandy as she stands before them, without her suit and her protective helmet]
- Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
- Squidward Tentacles: How long can she stay like that?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't know!
- [a brief pause]
- Patrick: Sandy's a girl?
- Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!
- [Spongebob screams in terror and his limbs and eyes pop off]
- Patrick: This is it! All of the clues are coming together! I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it!
- [shows a closeup of Patrick's mouth as he licks what appears to be SpongeBob]
- Patrick: [zooms out to reveal he's licking a Popsicle with Spongebob's skin pattern on it] Boy fighting crime sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I'll see you later!
- Sandy Cheeks: [hears Clamu crying in the background] Oh I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter, what kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about Sandy
- Sandy Cheeks: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!
- [rips a phone book in half]
- Sandy Cheeks: Now what was it you wanted to talk about SpongeBob?
- [Spongebob reacts nervously and starts twitching]
- Sandy Cheeks: Hey SpongeBob how come you're all twitchy like that?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut!
- [He runs home]
- Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob doesn't have hair!... or does he?
- [reacts in disgust]
- Patrick: This grain of sand looks very suspicious. And so does this rock. And I have some questions for this little piece of grass.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother. And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg.
- Patrick: [about the person who made the giant clam at the zoo cry] When I find this person, I have a few choice words to say to him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You know what that cloud reminds me of?
- Sandy: What?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: A flower.
- Sandy: SpongeBob, they all look like flowers. All the time.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: They sure do.
- Police fish: [to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [nervously] Y-Yes!
- [his upper body drops into his pants]
- Police fish: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes...
- Police fish: And are you familiar with this peanut?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!
- Police fish: One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
- Police fish: That's all we need to know son. Book him!
- [puts handcuffs on Patrick]
- Patrick: Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!
- Sandy: I'm from the surface world and nothing prepares you for climbing like growing up on good old dry land.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [laughs] Land, shmand. It's all about finger strength baby, and if there's anything we've got plenty of down here, it's finger strength.
- [flexes his fingers like muscles]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What do you say to that, miss mittens?
- Sandy: [climbing up the cliff] I'd say I'm already halfway there!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [about to race Sandy] Think you can win a fair race in that clunky tin tube?
- Sandy: Why don't you ask my behind? That is if you can catch it! What do you say to that, hydro pants?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [recording on record player] I'd say I'm already halfway there!
- [gets stuck on "halfway there"]
- Sandy: [gasps as she notices SpongeBob at the bottom of the cliff] Hey!
- [SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door and calls to him]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
- Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob, do you have to knock so loudly?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Sorry, neighbor.
- [Squidward massages his head]
- Squidward Tentacles: Oh, that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
- [SpongeBob laughs nervously]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I, uh, was kinda... wondering, eh... L-let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
- [Squidward's face lights up]
- Squidward Tentacles: You mean you know the guy who did it?
- [SpongeBob gulps]
- Squidward Tentacles: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually, I'm- I'm just talking hypothetically.
- Squidward Tentacles: [sullenly] You mean you don't know who did it?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Well... eh, I-eh... No!
- [Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face]
- Zoo Keeper: [SpongeBob and Patrick are about to be pelted with peanuts] Wait! Here's the real criminal!
- [drags out Mr. Krabs]
- Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the morning?
- [his fake mustache falls off]
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
- [the crowd gasps]
- Patrick: I knew it!
- Zoo Keeper: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster!
- [inadvertently takes off Krabs' clothes]
- Zoo Keeper: Behold!
- [crowd groans in disgust]
- Zoo Keeper: Wait a minute. Behold! The oyster's pearl!