Bonnie Kelly: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie Kelly: What does that mean?
Bonnie Kelly: You survived it. You survived the abortion!
Mac: See what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise the child ends up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles, and contracting the HIV virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full blow AIDS!
Charlie Kelly: Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the... off the tip of this thing, man!
Tan Clerk: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan Clerk: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee Reynolds: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.
Dee Reynolds: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank Reynolds: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.
Charlie Kelly: You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!