- [first lines]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [on the air] Owww. Strap yourselves down, babies, cuz you got the fever - Dr. Johnny Fever on the mighty KRP in Cincinnati where it's nine oh five in the mornin', so if you're not already at work, don't go: you're late and they'll just yell at ya.
- Les Nessman: [pointing in the ratings book] That can't be right!
- Herb Tarlek: Of course it's right. Computers don't make mistakes.
- Les Nessman: It says here my audience share men sixty-five and older went down six points.
- Herb Tarlek: Let's face it, Les: your audience is dying off.
- Bailey Quarters: [along with Herb and Les, watching Mr. Carlson fiddle with an unopened package on his desk] Is that a bomb?
- Herb Tarlek: No. It's worse than a bomb. It's "the book".
- Bailey Quarters: Oh.
- Les Nessman: The Arbitron book.
- Bailey Quarters: I know, Les.
- Les Nessman: It's the ratings.
- Bailey Quarters: I know Les.
- Herb Tarlek: Our fate packaged in a plain brown wrapper.
- Les Nessman: [about the just released ratings] All right, Travis, what about the really important stuff.
- Andy Travis: You mean the hog reports.
- Les Nessman: Yes, of course. And my news and sports programs.
- Andy Travis: Uh, well, uh, Les, they're, um... okay.
- Les Nessman: [dejected] Okay. Okay! Where I come from, "okay" means awful. This is terrible.
- Andy Travis: No, no, now, Les. It's not terrible. It's better than okay, it's, um... all right!
- Les Nessman: [with a stunned look on his face] All right? All right?
- Les Nessman: [now with an elated demeanor] Did you hear that, everybody? It's all right!
- Jennifer Marlowe: [to Mr. Carlson having just entered his office] Here are your fishing magazines, and this is the model ships and planes catalog that you sent away for.
- Arthur Carlson: Ah, the heck with that stuff. I want to do some real radio business. Now, what've you got for me?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Nothing!
- Arthur Carlson: [sitting down at his desk] Should read that book again, study those figures.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Andy's got it.
- Arthur Carlson: Oh well, I can look at it after he's through.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [caringly to tell her about the ratings improvement] Did you call your mother?
- Arthur Carlson: Out of the country. When you're hot, you're hot! I'm on a roll, Jennifer!
- Andy Travis: [in talking about how imperfect his life at WKRP has been] Well, you gotta give me credit for one thing, though.
- Venus Flytrap: What's that?
- Andy Travis: I hired you.
- Venus Flytrap: That's when you were still perfect.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [handing Herb a glass of champagne] Take that to Venus in the booth.
- Herb Tarlek: Anything your little heart desires, gorgeous.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Then wait in the booth for further instructions.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [as worried Les paces around her desk] Les, you're making me dizzy.
- Les Nessman: I'm sorry.
- Bailey Quarters: Is it always like this?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Yes, twice a year.
- Bailey Quarters: Oh, I just think there is too much emphasis on ratings in this business.
- Herb Tarlek: That's easy for you to say.
- [points finger at her]
- Herb Tarlek: You don't have to go out there and try to sell time with a bad book. All you... all you got going for yourself is wit and charm, and sometimes that's not enough.
- Bailey Quarters: [looks at him askew] I'll bet.
- Les Nessman: Bad book. I can just sense it. Mr. Carlson's mother is gonna come up here and fire us all.
- [folds his arms, trying to look confident]
- Les Nessman: Washington Post, here I come!
- [frowns as Jennifer tries to hide that she's giggling]
- Andy Travis: And everything I could have done to fix this station, I didn't do.
- [folds his arms]
- Andy Travis: Now is that right or what?
- Venus Flytrap: How can you fix this station?
- Andy Travis: [snaps fingers] For starters. First thing I should have done was get rid of Herb.
- [shakes his head]
- Andy Travis: The worst sales manager in the world. The worst. And Les... Oh, Les.
- [shakes his head]
- Andy Travis: When the Shah of Iran was overthrown, he missed it completely. His lead story for the day was about a hog that could do adding and subtraction.
- [Venus chuckles]
- Andy Travis: Jennifer is the highest paid employee at this station. And Fever... I let him program his own show. I keep telling him we should play the same Top Ten hits over and over again.
- [leans forward on desk]
- Andy Travis: I asked him to play this one disco song, please, just one disco song... and he threatens to throw himself in front of Donna Summer's tour bus.