Hot Rod (2007)
Rod Kimble: Hey, everybody! I got some awesome news. We have a new crew member today, Denise. So I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I'll start. My name is Rod, and I like to party. All right, Dave, you're up.
Dave: Uh, hi. Uh, my name is Dave, and uh... I like to party.
Rod Kimble: Uh, no, Dave. I just said that I party, so maybe you could do something different from me.
Dave: My name is Dave, and I... am the stuntman.
Rod Kimble: You know what? Let's move on. Rico, you're up.
Rico: Uh, hello! I'm Rico, and I like to party.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, uh, Rico, what did I just say to Dave?
Rod Kimble: Dave!
Kevin Powell: I like to party. I'm Rod.
Rod Kimble: No! You're Kevin!
Kevin Powell: Right, Kevin. I party.
Rod Kimble: No, no, you don't. Okay, nobody parties but me.
Dave: Yes, and we party.
Rod Kimble: No!
Rico: Yeah, just Rod...
Rod Kimble: Yes!
Rico: ...and me!
Rod Kimble: No! I'm the only one who parties!
Kevin Powell: I'm pretty sure I've partied before.
Rod Kimble: No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don't party. Okay? You do not party!
Kevin Powell: You're right. Dave's the party guy.
Dave: Haha, sweet!
Rod Kimble: Oh, my God, shut up! Okay? I'm just gonna do it for you.
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing the 'wh'] The safe word is "WHiskey."
Kevin Powell: Sorry, Rod, What was that?
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing the 'h'] "WHiskey"
Kevin Powell: [pronouncing it with a silent 'h'] Don't you mean "Whiskey?"
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing the 'h'] WHat?
Kevin Powell: You're saying it weird.
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing every W as WH] Saying WHat WHEird?
Kevin Powell: All of it.
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing the 'h']
Rod Kimble: WHere do you get off?
Kevin Powell: I just don't get why your saying it that way?
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing every W as WH] WHY I'm saying WHat *WHAT* WHay?
Kevin Powell: Forget it.
Rod Kimble: [pronouncing every W as WH] I WHill! I WHill forget it!
Rod Kimble: [absent-mindedly, as Denise walks away] You look pretty.
Denise: [turning around] What?
Rod Kimble: I said you look shitty.
Denise: I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise: Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Of course.
Denise: Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble: Wow, that's pretty racist but correct. I'll see you later.
Rico: I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!
Rico: [putting on stolen hat] This is my hat now! This is totally my hat!
Rico: I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.
Rod Kimble: Hey, Denise, have I ever shown you a picture of my dead dad?
Rod Kimble: Oh, you've gotta see it. He's super dead.
Denise: That's him? He looks so nice. He was a stuntman?
Rod Kimble: Oh, yeah. He used to work for Evel Knievel, testing his bikes before big jumps. He would do the jumps first to make sure they were safe and let Evel come in and get all the glory. After a while the old man said, "To hell with that. I want the credit I deserve." So one afternoon, he set out to jump ten milk trucks. He nailed the take-off, but when he landed, something terrible happened. His front tire exploded like a cannonball, and his handle bars went straight through his head. Blood was everywhere. His teeth were ground down to a powder, and the front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly... the next day.
Dave: I have various responsibilities within the crew. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really. I, one time, manned a flamethrower.
High School Girl: Cool.
Dave: Of course it's cool. It's awesome as shit.
Dave: Hey, Rod, thanks for the ride.
[Rod sees a chunk of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream]
Dave: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Rod Kimble: Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave: This? Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick? Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, just try and relax.
Dave: Can do, man. Can do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all around you, and you've got a mountain for a face.
Rod Kimble: I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, it's my mom's.
Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.
Rod Kimble: I didn't see anything.
Dave: Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.
Marie Powell: It's nice to see him smiling again.
Rod Kimble: He won't be smiling -...
Rod Kimble: WHEN I MURDER HIM!
Rod Kimble: I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass.
Rico: [while beating up a man] God I go to church every goddamn Sunday! You gonna bring the demons out of me!
Furious Boss: You're a terrible stuntman.
Rod Kimble: What?
Furious Boss: [louder] You're a terrible stuntman.
Rod Kimble: What?
Furious Boss: [screaming] You're a terrible stuntman!
Rod Kimble: Haha, I'm just kidding. I could hear you. It was just really mean.
Denise: Who cares what anyone thinks?
Rod Kimble: You don't get it, do you Denise? I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm un-legit. And for that reason I must quit.
Denise: You don't mean that.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, I do... Stay Sweet.
[Turns around and walks away]
Rod Kimble: I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. but now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.
Rod Kimble: Did you reinforce the take-off ramp?
Rico: No, we didn't have time.
Rod Kimble: [unsure] Cool.
Rico: Yoo-hoo, shit heads, I found this bag of fireworks in the men's restroom. Would you guys like to light them off?
Rod Kimble: You have only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Rod Kimble: [bowing, in a high pitched sing-song voice] Ancestors protect me.
Kevin Powell: [bows back and sings in a high pitched voice] May they protect you.
Barry Pasternak: Now I don't want to say that kiss was hot, but if the boner police are here, I want a lawyer!
Cathy: Why do you call yourself Voltron, Dave?
Dave: I don't know, Cathy, maybe because it's *super* badass?
Rod Kimble: All great men have mustaches!
Frank Powell: Yeah, but real men actually grow them!
Rod Kimble: You know I have a hormone disorder!
Frank Powell: Ooh!
Jonathan: [drives up to convenience store] I'm going in for a Vitamin Water, should I make that dos?
Denise: No, I'm good, thanks.
Jonathan: Well, maybe I'll pick up a box of dong bags so we can knock boots later.
Rod Kimble: You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death!
Rod Kimble: [singing] Please believe, I do my laundry with no pants on!
Cathy: Why'd you call yourself Voltron?
Dave: I don't know. Maybe cause it's super badass!
Cathy: You're weird.
Dave: Hells, yeah, I am.
Rod Kimble: [bowing, sings] Gods of *War*.
Kevin Powell: [bows back, sings] May your hammer be mighty.
Jonathan: Is that Sully? Babe I gotta go say what up to Sully.
Jonathan: Hey Sullivan, you chode! I owe you a shot in the nuts...
Dave: Oh, whoa, wait, what? Why is Rod kissing his sister?
Kevin Powell: Oh, Denise isn't his sister.
Dave: She's not?
Kevin Powell: No
Dave: Oh. That shatters my entire universe.
Kevin Powell: [after Rod asks Cathy out] Wow, Rod, I can't believe she said yes.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, you have only to believe if you wish to achieve, Kevin. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Dave: Man, Rod! I am just green with jealous rage right now!
Rod Kimble: [guessing the flavors of Jelly Belly's] Toasted marshmallow.
Kevin Powell: Right.
[hands him another]
Rod Kimble: [confused look] Raspberry?
Kevin Powell: [looks down in disappointment]
Rod Kimble: Psych! Very Cherry.
Kevin Powell: Right. A hundred straight!
Rod Kimble: Life is pain - we've got to scrape the joy from it every chance we get.
Rod Kimble: [singing] Ohhh when you're going on a date, and you put on a shirt! And you ride your bike to the daaaaate!
Dave: Come on, Richardson, you're being a tool.
[with a megaphone]
Richardson: There are no tools - in *this* pool!
Dave: Oh, man, he hit his ass with a parking cone! Nice.
Rod Kimble: So, Denise, tell me about Jonathan. What's that dude all about?
Denise: Well, we've been going out for about a year.
Rod Kimble: Mhmm, and it's going well?
Denise: Yeah, yeah. I mean, every relationship has it's ups and downs, but...
Rod Kimble: Right. I've heard that. And he's a nice guy?
Denise: Oh, yeah. I mean, he's really smart. He's actually in line to become a junior partner at his law firm.
Rod Kimble: Right, totally. You guys should break up.
Rod Kimble: Nothing. Hey, Dave's back!
Dave: You guys, the bathroom here is nuts!
Rod Kimble: [after finding out his dad wasn't a stuntman] So how did he die?
Marie Powell: He choked on some pie.
Rod Kimble: What? Come on! Seriously?
Dave: Whatever happened to "Live as a team. Die as a team"?
Rod Kimble: It's a sham, okay? There's no such thing as a team. You live and die alone.
Rico: [to Rod] Do you see what you're doing to him? You're making him upset. How important is this to you, huh? I don't even cry, and look at me. You're about to make tears come out of my face.
Rico: Who am I supposed to build ramps for? Who am I supposed to build ramps for now?
Rod Kimble: Frank, I'm going to get you better, you old sack of shit, and then I'm going to uncork the ass beating of a lifetime on you! And you will respect me! Peace!
Barry Pasternak: They've done it! They've raised $50,000 for Frank's conveniently priced surgery!
Barry Pasternak: I've got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It's of this rebellious young man, and he's urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions.
Newswoman: The dog walked itself home, ate a pizza and took a nap.
Rod Kimble: [after he wakes up from his out of body experience] Hoobastank!
Frank Powell: Never sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.
Kevin Powell: Hey, Rod, what's that song about a grandma getting run over by a reindeer?
Rod Kimble: "Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer"?
Kevin Powell: [swivels hips] noooo...!
Rod Kimble: I needed to think about last night. So I galloped into a wooded glen, and after punch-dancing out my rage and suffering an extremely long and very painful fall, I realized what has to be done.
Kevin Powell: It's bouncing around the Web like a beachball at a Nickelback concert.
Denise: Tai Chi teaches that if you focus your body and mind you'll be able to perform at the peak of your abilities.
Rod Kimble: Yes, sensei.
Denise: You don't have to call me sensei, Rod.
Rod Kimble: Got it. Sensei, I have a question: Is there a Tai Chi move that would make a grown man crap his pants and not know why?
Denise: I'm not gonna lie to you, Rod. That move does exist. But you're not ready for it yet.
Rod Kimble: Mom, have you seen my hip pads?
Marie Powell: In the kitchen.
Jonathan: Looks like you got stood up, huh?
Rod Kimble: No, she's coming.
Rod Kimble: I'm officially kicking off Phase Two: Operation Fiscal Jackhammer.
Barry Pasternak: Rod's crew is running to his side. I, for one, hope none of them had a fight with Rod this morning because he is more than likely dead.
Kevin Powell: Wow, Rod. I can't believe she said yes.
Rod Kimble: Yeah Kevin. You've only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.
Denise: Wow. She's really pretty, Rod.
Rod Kimble: I know, D. But it's more than that me and Kathy. It's emotional. She gets me.
Dave: Wow, Rod. I am just green with jealous rage right now!
Rod Kimble: Here I am, Frank. Get ready to meet your maker.
[Frank hits him in the face with crutches]
Rod Kimble: Oh, God! We hadn't even started yet!
Frank Powell: Never underestimate your opponent.
Rod Kimble: We don't talk much, do we? Kathy, was it? My name's Rod. I do awesome stunts all the time with my friends. You probably didn't know that. And you probably have lots of cool stuff about you that I don't know. Point is, if you don't sit down with someone and really talk and get to know them you'll never find those things out. So what do you say? Wanna make this thing official?
Rod Kimble: What's going on? Is this some sort of interactive theatre art piece?