Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
Principal Skinner: The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!
Milhouse Van Houten: [Reading a MAD Magazine with Bart] They're really stickin' it to that Spiro Angew guy! He must work there or something!
[after getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.
Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me.
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm...
Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
Apu: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?
Marge: [Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe?
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
[while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion]
Homer: [beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh!
Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can.
Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there!
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.