Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live.
Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin.
[holds up a Bible]
Reverend Lovejoy: Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.
[Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course]
Homer: Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Homer: [Running a red light and speeding into the middle of a busy intersection] It's okay! I'm a teacher!
Miss Hoover: I didn't know we could do that!
[Hits her gas and speeds through the intersection, running a red light herself]
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."
[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.
Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Correction, Marge.
[He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]
Homer: Two perfectly good jackets.
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!
Homer: OK Brain. What should I do?
Homer's Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!