Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Hmm?
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.
Principal Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
[fade to later]
Apu: ... it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
Apu: ... one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?
Apu: I mean, thank you, come again.
[Willie has been ordered to pursue Santa's Little Helper through the vents]
Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes, we do.
Groundskeeper Willie: [rips off his clothes] Then grease me up, woman!
Lunchlady Doris: ...Okey-dokey.
Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.
Bart Simpson: It's weird, Lise. I miss having Skinner as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa Simpson: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.
[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.
Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...