"The Simpsons" Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (TV Episode 1994) Poster


Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour.

Principal Skinner: Hmm?

Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!

Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?

Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.

Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

Principal Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...

[fade to later]

Apu: ... it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...


Apu: ... one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?


Apu: I mean, thank you, come again.

[Willie has been ordered to pursue Santa's Little Helper through the vents]

Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?

Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes, we do.

Groundskeeper Willie: [rips off his clothes] Then grease me up, woman!

Lunchlady Doris: ...Okey-dokey.

Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.

Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.

Bart Simpson: It's weird, Lise. I miss having Skinner as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.

Lisa Simpson: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]

Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?

Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?

Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!

Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.

Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?

Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.

[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]

Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.

Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?

Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.

Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

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Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

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Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, do you have any grease?

Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes we do.

Groundskeeper Willie: [rips open his shirt] Then grease me up woman!

Lunchlady Doris: Okey dokey.

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