Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]
Judge Snyder: [bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!
Lionel Hutz: [hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
Marge Simpson: [to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.
Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Marge Simpson: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
Marge Simpson: What about Peter Fonda?
Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.
Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Actor Homer: [taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actor Marge: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
Actress Lisa: Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.
Homer: [attempting to get Bart out of Burns' mansion] Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead! Do your worst!
[Mr. Burns runs an ad before a movie screening]
Mr. Burns: Hello, I'm Montgomery Burns, and I'm searching for a suitable young heir to leave my fortune to. My vast, vast, vast, *vast* fortune.
Mr. Burns: Vast.
[the audience murmurs excitedly]
[During his cinematic ad, someone offscreen whispers to Burns]
Mr. Burns: Oh, for God's... very well.
[singing and dancing]
Mr. Burns: Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves some snacks!
[Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd]
Lee Majors: Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Would you come away with me?
Marge Simpson: Um... sure.
[Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."]
Marge Simpson: [opens her eyes] I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more time.
[She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again]
Mr. Burns: All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say it.
Mr. Burns: You will.
[He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]
[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up]
Mr. Burns: Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
Waylon Smithers: I think it is a rock, sir.
Mr. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.