- Examiner: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
- Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter...
- Examiner: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
- Apu: Slavery it is, sir.
- Apu: [in an exaggerated American accent] Hey there Homer, how's it hangin'?
- Homer: Low and lazy, so...
- [notices Apu talking oddly]
- Homer: ... hey, say something again.
- Apu: [in an exaggerated American accent] You're just noticing the way I am talking to you now. You see it turns out I am an American citizen after all.
- [Apu shows Homer his fraudulent American passport]
- Apu: [in an exaggerated American accent] Apparently, I just plain forgot about it.
- [laughs nervously]
- Apu: [in an exaggerated American accent] Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY Mets are my favorite squadron.
- Homer: Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.
- Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
- Homer: Thank you, sweetie.
- Lisa: Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.
- Homer: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
- Lisa: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.
- Homer: I see.
- Lisa: But you don't see any tigers around, do you?
- Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock.
- Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship?
- Homer: [Later] Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
- Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.
- Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou.
- [points to the bear]
- Chief Wiggum: One count of being a bear.
- [points to Barney]
- Chief Wiggum: And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
- Homer: Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you?... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
- Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once more for money.
- Quimby's Aide: Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
- Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
- Quimby's Aide: [looks at a clip board] Uh, yes it does.
- Principal Skinner: [leans in through the door] I phoned ahead.
- Quimby's Aide: Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
- Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
- Quimby's Aide: Ahhhhh, yes it does.
- [looking at a clip board]
- Fat Tony: Remember. You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon. And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American.
- Homer: Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
- Apu: [talking in an exaggerated American accent] Oh yeah. What was I thinking? Who needs the infinite wisdom of Ganesha when I have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me...
- [using his real voice]
- Apu: ... from the cover of Entertainment Weekly WITH THEIR DEAD EYES!
- Apu: Oh, forgive me, Mother! Father! I've failed you!
- [sobs]
- Apu: Who am I kidding? I am no citizen. This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2000 forgery!
- [tears it up]
- Apu: I have brought shame to parents, to my homeland and to myself!
- Homer: Don't forget Ganesha.
- Apu: I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want. I want to stay, but as the real me, not as some yahoo from Green Bay!
- [sobs again]
- Homer: Wow. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Darn it, Apu! I'm not gonna let them kick you out!
- [rips his Proposition 24 button off]
- Homer: I never should have bought this button! Can I have my three dollars back?
- Apu: Store credit only.