[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer Simpson: Mmm... ham.
[Homer's spirit returns to his body]
Smithers: No, wait - he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer Simpson: Say it in English, Doc!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer Simpson: Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer Simpson: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Kwik-E-Mart Customer: Can I get some jerky?
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Kwik-E-Mart Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure!
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!
[Dr. Nick's commercial]
Dr. Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest.
Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook?
Marge: 70 dollars.
Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Dr. Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?
Dr. Nick: Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.
Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.
Lisa Simpson: [in Sunday School] My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?
Sunday School Teacher: Well, if he's been good, he'll go to Heaven.
[writes "Heaven" on the board]
Sunday School Teacher: In Heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.
[Lisa imagines Homer as an angel in heaven, lying on a cloud]
Homer Simpson: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down...
[cut to Homer's hospital room]
Homer Simpson: Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down...
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.
Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer Simpson: Whew...
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
[Homer gags, his heart pounds]
Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off! Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
[Homer's heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ... a grave for!
[Homer's heart beats even faster]
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
[Homer stares blankly; heart beats normally]
Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers after seeing Homer asleep at his station on CCTV] Bring him to me!