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"The Dick Van Dyke Show" A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (TV Episode 1964) Poster

Quotes

Buddy Sorrell: [showing off his donation to charity] How do you like this?

Sally Rogers: A tuxedo?

Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.

Sally Rogers: Look, Buddy, people is depressed countries don't go to formal banquets too often.

Buddy Sorrell: Now they can go.

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Sally Rogers: [examining Rob's sports coat] Hey, how d'you rip the pocket?

Rob Petrie: I didn't rip the pocket.

Sally Rogers: What happened? D'your handkerchief explode?

Rob Petrie: No, my neighbor did.

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Rob Petrie: [explaining why he and Jerry aren't speaking to each other] Because we believe in diametrically opposed ideologies.

Sally Rogers: Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket and you just don't like that.

Rob Petrie: No. No, I-I believe in constitutional government. That guy believes in... in mob rule.

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Buddy Sorrell: You ripped a button; he ripped a pocket. Sound like a game - Pockabutton. I'd like to play but all I got's a zipper.

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Rob Petrie: [giving reason for sending the Helpers a dinner invitation] If people are gonna live together peacefully, we've got to keep the lines of communication open.

Laura Petrie: Well, then, darling, why don't you CALL Jerry and invite him?

Rob Petrie: 'Cause I don't wanna talk to that rat.

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[Mel enters to collect clothing donations]

Mel Cooley: What have you got for me?

Buddy Sorrell: Hatred.

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Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.

Buddy Sorrell: Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.

Rob Petrie: Buddy, enough already.

Mel Cooley: No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

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Millie Helper: I am goin' to that dinner party tonight whether YOU go or NOT. I'm gonna wear my new dress, and my new shoes, and - I'll tell ya somethin' else, Dr. Helper - I'm gonna have fun.

Jerry Helper: No you're not, 'cause I'm goin' with you.

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Ritchie Petrie: You gonna get a sitter for me?

Laura Petrie: Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.

Ritchie Petrie: He can teach me how to belch.

Laura Petrie: Ritchie!

Ritchie Petrie: He can do it any time he wants.

Laura Petrie: Rob, please speak to him, please.

[Laura exits]

Rob Petrie: Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.

Ritchie Petrie: Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hatred the dinner.

Rob Petrie: Yeah, but we're not in China now.

Ritchie Petrie: Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

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Jerry Helper: Listen, uh, where are your mother and father?

Ritchie Petrie: They went out.

Jerry Helper: Out? Where?

Ritchie Petrie: I don't know. They just left.

Jerry Helper: Huh, you see that?

Millie Helper: Come on. Don't jump to conclusions. Ritchie, are they coming back?

Ritchie Petrie: Oh, sure.

Millie Helper: Ya see?

Jerry Helper: Well, how do you know they're coming back?

Ritchie Petrie: They have to. They live here.

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Jerry Helper: Millie... Millie, will you tell him to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.

Millie Helper: Rob will you get outta here before Jerry does something he'll be sorry for.

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Millie Helper: Jerry, tell her to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.

Jerry Helper: Laura, I think you better get outta here.

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Laura Petrie: Now wait a minute. I don't know what's been going on here, but I would like to say a few things.

Rob Petrie: Watch it. You'll get a breadstick up your nose.

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Laura Petrie: [angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.

Millie Helper: You're sorry ya sent it?

Laura Petrie: You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

Jerry Helper: Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?

Laura Petrie: [near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.

Jerry Helper: You MEAN that?

Rob Petrie: [through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.

Jerry Helper: [greatly relieved] Well, okay.

Rob Petrie: Okay, what?

Jerry Helper: We accept your apology.

Laura Petrie: You accept our...?

Millie Helper: Yes, and... we... forgive you.

Rob Petrie: You forgive US?

Millie Helper: [happily] You bet we do.

Jerry Helper: Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.

Rob Petrie: [thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...

Laura Petrie: [cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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