- [first lines]
- Narrator: Castle Duckula; ancient, awful, appalling, a solitary fortress of fear, whipped by the woeful wind, rinsed by the rancid rain, threatened by the thudding thunder, and over these terrifying turrets pass cumbrous clouds and an airship.
- Von Goosewing: [mistakes smoking beaker filled with green chemical for his coffee and starts gagging] Oh, what is that coffee tasting? Wha-? Ein moment. That is no coffee! That is
- [reads beaker label]
- Von Goosewing: "mein Dr. Von Goosewing patent shampooing cleaner und spot remover"! Oh boy, I sure hope it isn't-
- [he is cut off in mid-sentence and turns into a vampire]
- Von Goosewing: Blood! I must have blood!
- [cackles]
- Von Goosewing: Heinrich! Heinrich, come here my dear speller! Come here immediately. I vant to suck your blood, Heinrich!
- Nanny: [Igor has drank the reversing potion in his tea] Oh Mr. Igor, are you having a turn? Dear, you're turning a funny color, Mr. Igor. Mr. Igor, are you all right?
- Igor: I shall feel infinitely better, my dear, dear Nanny, when I have spread a little happiness, kissed a few babies, given shelter to some stray dogs, rescued several lost kittens, and helped a handful of old ladies across the room.
- Nanny: [chuckling] Oh Mr. Igor, you will have your little joke!
- Igor: Joke, my dear sweet Nanny? But no. One should never joke about being good and kind and loving and kind and helpful to those more needy than oneself. I must leave you now; I have to go and bring joy and contentment to mankind!
- Count Duckula: [complaining about his breakfast and walking to his icebox] Oh, well, if it's going to be porridge, at least I'll have some milk on it.
- Igor: [Igor shows up in the icebox] Milk? Oh, sir, why not try a little...
- Count Duckula: If you're going to suggest I pour blood on my porridge, Igor, I shall be forced to order you to leave the room!
- Igor: A little drop of group AB never hurt anybody, milord.
- Count Duckula: [Igor has come with Dr.Von Goosewing] Oh, there you are, Igor. You wouldn't happen to know what I was doing in the cellar, would you?
- Igor: Only too well, only too well!
- Count Duckula: Oh, well I don't. Ooh, boy have I got a headache. Could you get me something for it, Igor?
- Igor: The only thing that will alleviate your suffering, Count Duckula, and that of those you and your kind prey upon, is a stake!
- Count Duckula: Oh, good, well could you get me- a steak? A steak for a headache? Igor, what are y-, and you know I'm a vegetarian!
- Igor: You see, doctor, how devious, how clever the vampire can be?
- Count Duckula: Come Igor, Igor, where are these village maidens you keep telling about? Huh-huh-huh?
- Igor: We have come to lay your poor, tormented soul to rest. Dr. Von Goosewing, the stake and hammer, if you please.