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(TV Series)

(2000)

Quotes

Duffman: Are you ready for some Duff love?

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Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different?

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Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?

Bart: Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.

Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.

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Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.

Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.

[takes the license of the wall]

Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!

Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

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Moe: Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?

Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!

[He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]

Carl: [to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

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Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...

Carl: Little rat eyes...

Homer: Caveman brow...

Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.

Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.

Lenny: Or listen to.

Carl: Or be with.

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Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.

Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.

Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?

Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.

Moe: Plastic surgery it is!

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[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]

Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.

Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?

Moe: I'm awake here.

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Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.

[worried]

Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?

Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

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[we see a ticking grandfather clock half buried in the sand on the beach, the sun is setting, and the waves crash on the shore]

Narrator: Like the cleaning of a house... It Never Ends.

[the theme music crescendos]

Narrator: With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide. And as Dr. Tad Winslow... Moe Szyslak.

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Helen Morehouse: What were you thinking?

Casting Director: Well, you said you wanted gritty. In other word... ugly.

Helen Morehouse: I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not Cornelius on "The Planet if Apes" ugly. TV ugly, not... ugly ugly.

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Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door.

Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a window shade.

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Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!

Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.

Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.

Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.

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Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

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Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

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Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?

Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.

Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.

Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.

Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?

Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.

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[first lines]

Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."

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Surly: [loudly] Drink Duff!

[under breath]

Surly: Responsibly.

[loudly]

Surly: Drink Duff!

[under breath]

Surly: Responsibly.

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Casting Director: What the fudge?

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Homer: Well, it's time to get some closure.

[vengefully]

Homer: *Extreme* closure.

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Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!

Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?

Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!

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[Moe is on a soap opera]

Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

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Duff Man: Duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers! Oh ja! I do this and I'm Jewish.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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