Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart: Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.
Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.
Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!
[He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]
Carl: [to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.
Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.
Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.
Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe: Plastic surgery it is!
[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]
Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.
Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
Moe: I'm awake here.
Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door.
Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a window shade.
Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!
Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.
Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.
Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?
Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.
Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.
Duff Man: Duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers! Oh ja!
Duff Man: I do this and I'm Jewish...
Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different? I mean, it don't make no...
[cuts to the end of the episode]
Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
[takes the license of the wall]
Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!
Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.
Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.
Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.
[we see a ticking grandfather clock half buried in the sand on the beach, the sun is setting, and the waves crash on the shore]
Narrator: Like the cleaning of a house... It Never Ends.
[the theme music crescendos]
Narrator: With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide. And as Dr. Tad Winslow... Moe Szyslak.
Helen Morehouse: What were you thinking?
Casting Director: Well, you said you wanted gritty. In other word... ugly.
Helen Morehouse: I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not Cornelius on "The Planet if Apes" ugly. TV ugly, not... ugly ugly.
Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."
Surly: [loudly] Drink Duff!
Surly: Drink Duff!
Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!