Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!
[Homer lies in a drunken heap]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Homer: Why, what did you do?
Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
[a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"]
Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
John S.: That's enough, Gloria!
Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak?
John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she
John S.: smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: No, I'm not.
John S.: [shouts] Queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: No, I'm not!
John S.: [shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine!
[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
Julius Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Julius Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."
[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa Simpson: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
Reverend Lovejoy: We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell."
Marge: [about Homer] He's so self-centered! He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!
Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, don't interrupt.
Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!
Homer: I only did that a couple of times!
[reaching the end of her list of Homer's flaws]
Marge: He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it... Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long, and yellow.
Clerk: Yep, General Sherman. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's hundred years if he's a day.
Customer: And, uh, no one's ever caught him?
Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?
Bart: Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."