Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade (Video 2005) Poster

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It's a spoof, but that doesn't mean it's a good one....I give it a C-.
Smooth B9 August 2006
Warning: Spoilers
I sat down to watch "Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade" last night, and I wasn't too impressed, to say the least. This flick gets high marks for an impressive cast, but just about everything else was....not so good.

We begin with three hot treasure hunters--Oklahoma Jones (Nikki Nova), Alabama Jones (Katie James, aka Angela Little), and California Jones (Cheyenne Silver). Yes, this is a loose spoof of those "Indiana Jones" action-adventure flicks, only with better looking women and sex.

Anyway, the ladies are on the hunt for an ancient relic. On their way there, Alabama Jones tells the story of two archaeologists who unsuccessfully made the trip before. Who were those two relic hunters? None other than Taimie Hannum and Amanda Auclair, aka Shyla--huge boobs and all. Wow, does she look great. A girl-girl sex scene follows of course, and a three-way girlfest follows that. You sort of see where this is going.

Later on, the girls get another assignment from an unusually gorgeous museum curator (Deanna Merryman), who strangely enough, doesn't look like any museum curator I've ever seen. They're now on a quest to find a mystic mango which has the power to turn women into sex slaves. Nice!

First, they encounter Luna (Aria Giovanni), a jungle girl with a fantastic figure. Yep, you guessed it...time for a lesbian lovefest. Soon afterward, they run into an old adventure-seeking dude with a fake beard who puts them through a hilarious question-and-answer sequence that was also in both Busty Cops movies. The questions were silly, and the responses were even sillier.

Once they get to the island, the girls run into Amelia Airhead (Kelle Marie), who crash landed there 70 years ago, but is still in fantastic shape. Time for another lesbian throwdown. By the time they finally get to the mango's location, the Queen of The Apes (Sunny Leone--yes, Sunny Leone) appears, and does a little topless dance. The movie ends with no real...ending, other than the girls getting naked yet again, which is always nice. If you like softcore comedies, this isn't that bad, but there are better ones out there, namely the first Busty Cops movie.

Now, on to the sex scenes. They were okay at best, but they were sort of slow and there wasn't too much movement. The two boy-girl encounters were nice, and Deanna Merryman has one hell of a body. The lesbian sequences were....mildly hot. The first one with Shyla and Taimie was okay, though. This movie is borderline tapeworthy, but I'd probably go with not taping it myself.

Women: A+ (This movie gets an A+ for the women, because of the cast. Nikki Nova, Katie James, Shyla, Taimie Hannum, Cheyenne Silver, Kelle Marie, Sunny Leone, Deanna Merryman, Aria Giovanni...damn, that's an impressive lineup. Kudos to the casting department there.)

Sex: C- (The sex scenes were much like the ones in those Seduction Cinema movies--the lesbian sequences were slow, which made them seem like they went on forever. Although there was gratuitous nudity--which I can appreciate--I need to see these women do something exciting on camera. Just running around in the water naked is nice, but it doesn't quite get the job done.)

Story: D (Let's be serious, this film didn't really have a story--just contrived situations to get the girls naked, much like Busty Cops. But Busty Cops was really funny, and this....wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was funny at times, like the question-and-answer scene, and the dialogue between the Jones girls, but on the whole there wasn't enough to hold my interest between the nudity. Maybe if they were naked the whole time, I would've paid more attention. This is a Jim Wynorski flick, which means two things--plenty of boobs on display and solid softcore comedy. At least Jim delivered on one of these. The interview with the cast at the end was a nice touch.)

Overall: C- (Barely a passing grade, but the movie survives by delivering an impressive, smoking hot cast. Sunny Leone had no lines, but I can watch her dance, bounce and wiggle all day. Nikki Nova is becoming an old pro at these mindless softcore comedies. I'd like to see what she can do in one of Fred Olen Ray's bikini movies. As a silly spoof, "Alabama Jones" works...sort of. If you like softcore comedy, this might do the trick, but I'd probably go with one of the Busty Cops films before watching this.)
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Very Disappointing... Not Funny... Poor Sex Scenes... but the Credits were Good!
TimeNTide11 June 2008
***This review covers the 81 minute version only***

OK, it's easy to poke fun at softcore erotica, but I actually like it, and I had high hopes for this flick considering it's big budget (for erotica) and has the same writer, director and some of the same cast as "Busty Cops 2", a flick I really enjoyed.

As long as the ladies are beautiful, the sex is hot, and the stuff between the sex scenes keeps me laughing... then I can put up with subpar acting, cheesy special effects, fake tits, and other weaknesses. Unfortunately, this flick is just not very funny and the sex scenes are are pretty lame. And one out of three is bad.

Silly movie spoofs can be fun, and erotica uses that theme a lot, but when the comic writing falls flat, it can be painful to sit through (can you say "Epic Movie"?). Although there is an occasional amusing line, most of the comedy here falls rather flat (unlike the actresses), and the only scene I found funny was the one where Jungle Bill hit the girls with some rapid fire silly quiz questions (a gimmick also used in "Busty Cops 2"). Other than that, the Jungle Bill character was actually very annoying (that trek thru the jungle with him seemed to last forever) and there were no sustained laughs. Ironically, I think I laughed more during the closing credits where the actresses were interviewed than I did during the film. There's some funny stuff there... and if you don't get Deanna Merryman's comment about a "NASCAR driver", read the trivia page for this film.

My problem with the sex scenes is that most of them are not simulated sex (which I like), but are what I call "stripper shows". Two or three girls perform some combination of stripping, dancing, wriggling, caressing themselves and/or each other, occasionally licking a nipple and throwing sexy looks at the camera, all set to music. There's one girl/girl simulated sex scene which is passable, and two guy/girl scenes (one OK, one terrible). These scenes are very low energy and set to mellow music. I consider the Deanna Merryman/Scott Styles sex scene one of the very worst I've ever seen. If not for their slowly moving hands, I would have thought they were asleep. She just sat there when she was on top. Ironically, in the credits Deanna claims that she has never had an orgasm. Considering how badly she simulates sex on screen, maybe she's not doing it right in real life either.

Lots of lovely girls here, and Nikki Nova and Cheyenne Silver are stunningly beautiful. I'm not a fan of over-sized fake chests, but when the word "busty" is in the title of the flick, I can't complain about that.

On the upside, there's a lot of great music and beautiful outdoor locales (Hawaii). Unfortunately, that can't save this film from the lack of laughs or the absence of good simulated sex... but check out the girls' interviews in the credits!
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