Hogfather (2006 TV Movie)
Death: Humans need fantasy to *be* human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
Susan: With tooth fairies? Hogfathers?
Death: Yes. As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies.
Susan: So we can believe the big ones?
Death: Yes. Justice, mercy, duty. That sort of thing.
Susan: They're not the same at all.
Death: You think so? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder, and sieve it through the finest sieve, and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet, you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world. As if there is some, some rightness in the universe, by which it may be judged.
Susan: But people have got to believe that, or what's the point?
Death: You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?
Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.
[introduction, describing the origin of Discworld]
Death: It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are, sooner or later, about... blood. At least, that's one theory. The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis: "Things just happen. What the hell."
[Susan is reading the fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" to the children]
Susan: And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no-one asks inconvenient questions.
[Lord Downey is sitting at his desk when he hears a strange noise and realises that he is no longer alone]
Lord Downey: The doors are locked. The windows are barred. The dog does not appear to have woken up. The squeaky floorboards haven't. I really doubt that you are a ghost, and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely. You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties. Besides, I'm feeling quite well.
Susan: You were the kind of kid who couldn't see the difference between throwing rocks at a cat and setting it on fire.
Teatime: Do you have a lot of friends, Mr Sydeney?
Mr. Sideney: [hesitantly] Quite a few, actually.
Teatime: I don't have many... Don't seem to have the knack... On the other hand, I don't seem to have any enemies at all.
Death: [half-heartedly] Ho, ho, ho.
Albert: No, no, no! You've got put a bit more life in it, sir... Er, no offence intended. You've got to do a big fat laugh, sir. You've got to sound like you're pissing brandy and you're crapping plum pudding, sir... if you'll pardon my Klatchian.
Death: Let's go sleigh them!
[looks at Albert]
Death: I don't know if you noticed Albert, but that was a pune, or play on words.
Albert: Ho ho ho sir.
[Twyla thinks she has heard a strange noise from the cellar and asks Susan to investigate. Susan goes into the cellar brandishing a poker, while Twyla and her parents watch from outside the door. Banging noises are heard]
Twyla: [proudly] You don't have to worry. She always wins.
[Susan emerges with a bent poker]
Twyla: Susan says "Don't get afraid - get angry".
Albert: Never say die, master. That's our motto.
Death: [grimly] I can't say it's ever really been mine.
Death: You might very well think that I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment.
Susan: You were the kind of little boy who looked up doll's dresses.
Teatime: ...I didn't...!
Lord Downey: Mr Teatime, you have actually applied yourself to study of ways of killing Death?
Teatime: Only as a hobby, sir.
Lord Downey: But then some people might say that he is technically immortal.
Teatime: Everyone has a weak point, sir.
[Teatime's spirit rises from his body to meet Death]
Death: Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?
Teatime: You got it right.
Death: Of course.
[the Auditors have just commissioned Lord Downey, Master of the Guild of Assassins, to "inhume" the Hogfather]
Lord Downey: He would be difficult to find.
Auditor 1: You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address.
Lord Downey: Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference. Even then, how would the... Fat Man be inhumed? A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
Auditor 1: You misunderstand the nature of employment.
Lord Downey: How do I misunderstand you exactly?
Auditor 1: We pay. You find the ways and means.
Lord Downey: How can I contact you?
Auditor 1: [ominously] We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where *everyone* is.
[Lord Downey is reviewing a previous assassination contract that Teatime carried out for him]
Lord Downey: You nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.
Teatime: I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.
Lord Downey: Some people would have drugged it.
Teatime: [mystified] Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract. I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.
Lord Downey: Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.
Teatime: That was all right, wasn't it, sir?
Lord Downey: It lacked... elegance.
Teatime: I thank you, sir. I'm always happy to be corrected. I shall remember that... next time.
[Twyla hears a bogeyman under her bed. Susan bashes it with a poker and hauls it out from under the bed]
Twyla: Do The Voice on it.
Slimazel the Bogeyman: No! Not The Voice.
Twyla: Hit it on the head with a poker.
Slimazel the Bogeyman: Not the poker.
Susan: This is a friendly warning. Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.
Slimazel the Bogeyman: What are you? A witch or something?
Susan: I'm just... something. Now you won't be around here again, will you? Or we'll put your head under the blanket. It's got fluffy bunnies on it.
Slimazel the Bogeyman: Fluffy bunnies. No!
Susan: [sternly] Go away and stop bothering me.
Twyla: That wasn't as much fun as the one last month. You know, the one when you kicked him in the trousers.
Susan: I don't remember them asking for anything that makes a noise.
Death: Oh, there has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise. Otherwise, what is 4:30AM for?