- Karen Walker: You know, Honey, normally my motto is "Drugs not hugs", but today I feel different.
- [she hugs him]
- Tina: When someone dies, no one ever asks how the mistress is doing.
- Karen Walker: Ah, tell me about it. Not one person came up to me at Reagan's funeral.
- Jack: That's it? That's your story? That stunk! You're supposed to make him feel better about his dad not worse about his friends.
- Jack: [Jack runs into Will's ex-boyfriend Vince at George Truman's funeral] I'm going to be playing a COP in a new TV show and I would love some pointers. The only COP things I've done is use handcuffs and say to someone, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?".
- Jordan Truman: The last time I saw grandpa, we played baseball in the backyard. Well, we played "A League of their Own". He was Tom Hanks, I was everybody else.