Homer: But Marge, a gun is a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or uhh... an alligator.
Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense.
Agnes Skinner: [Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it] I've never seen such recklessness!
Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
Cletus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.
Clerk: [Homer grabs for his gun, but the cashier holds onto it] Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
[the cashier pulls the gun away from him]
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Clerk: Yeah, well, you don't.
Kent Brockman: What started out as a traditional soccer riot has quickly escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "mob rule", meaning for the next several years, it's every family for themselves...
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.
Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.
Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Marge: I've left Homer.
Selma Bouvier: Thank God.
Marge: So we need a place to spend the night.
Selma Bouvier: Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.
Marge: Why can't we stay here?
Selma Bouvier: Aah... we have a gentleman caller.
TV Repair Man: Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the?
Selma Bouvier: Gotta go!
[Selma shuts the door]
TV Commercial Voice: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Commercial Voice: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.
Clerk: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
Clerk: frequent problems with alcohol...
Homer: [nervously] Yeah.
Clerk: ...beat up President Bush!
Homer: Former President Bush.
[the owner slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]
Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?
Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Homer: I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.
Krusty the Clown: Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face.
Homer: [the soccer game has bored everyone to silence] Boring!
Krusty the Clown: Come on, you shnorers! Do something!
Kent Brockman: [bored] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
Kent Brockman: Holds it.
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excited] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!
Ex-con Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all.
[starts to pocket a few items from around the house]
Homer: What did I tell you, Marge?
Ex-con Salesman: Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.
Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting.
[pushes one of the Scotsmen]
Willie's Friend: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done!
Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart Simpson: Um...
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
Homer: I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
Lisa: No offence, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... uh, a... an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we can argue some more.
Lenny: Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel.
Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]
Homer: [to Marge] Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!
Marge: What about the gun?
Homer: It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?
Marge: Oh, Homey...
[she and Homer hug]
Marge: Come on, kids, we're going home!
Marge: How did you know we were being robbed?
Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.
Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber?
Moe: No, I don't think so.