- Elliot: Dr Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?
- Dr. Perry Cox: You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence, and you don't exist. So I'm going to address the stapler.
- [he leans over a red stapler on the counter]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hi stapler. The red is killer... By the way, there's a Dr Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy... What?... What's that, stapler?... Oh, no, she... she's an actual doctor, ah ah...
- Elliot: Neither of you are very funny!
- Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
- Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
- Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
- Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
- J.D.: No. No more. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years: You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb-pinky. You have a - a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids, no wait, you have one kid, no wait, you had a baby with a Chinese local, you're a deaf-mute, oh wait, now you're telling us that you're a world class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter?
- Janitor: I - I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.
- J.D.: Ohh...
- Janitor: And I really was a world-class hurdler.
- J.D.: We're not buying it, are we gang?
- [Everyone scoffs and leaves]
- J.D.: The people have spoken. Allow me to bask in the glow.
- Turk: [Turk enters, excited] Oh-ho! J.D., guess what?
- J.D.: Not now, Turk, I'm glow-basking.
- Turk: Where is Carla?
- Dr. Perry Cox: She just went downstairs. What is all the excitement?
- J.D.: [to Turk] You tell him. Aw, just wait a mi - OK, you tell him.
- Turk: We're having a baby.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Red states be damned, I'm sure you're going to make great fathers.
- Elliot: So, I like to remember all of the carpal bones in the hand with a simple mnemonic device: Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate and Hamate. Some Lovers Try Positions that They Can't Handle.
- Keith: Hey!
- Elliot: That was not directed at you, Doctor.
- [whispering]
- Elliot: But you should stretch first next time we try The Whirlybird.