Tom Servo: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
Tom Servo: Mike, if I slip into a coma while watching this movie, please, PLEASE, do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
Mike Nelson: Oh, hey Gyps'. What happened to the zucchini throw pillow things that Mrs. Forrester sent us?
Gypsy: I put them in a safe place.
Mike Nelson: Okay, and where's that?
Gypsy: A place where you would meet a horrible demise before laying your polluting fingers upon them.
Tom Servo: So you put them in Mike's laundry basket?
[Dan Kester goes to the refrigerator]
Crow T. Robot: Want a piece of milk?
Dan Kester: I found another body.
Mike Nelson: Well good, yours was getting pretty gross.
Sheriff: [on the phone] No, ma'am, I don't have the number.
Tom Servo: Take your time, movie.
Sheriff: All I can tell you is, use the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking!
Crow T. Robot: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.
Sheriff: That's funny, I wonder why she hung up on me?
Mike Nelson: Maybe your bodily funk travels over the phone lines...
Mike Nelson: You know, they're poor only in money... and spirit... and dignity... and moral fiber... and hygiene
Mike Nelson: The movie that takes the bold step of not including the audience!
Dan Kester: A man can't get any peace in his own house...
Mike Nelson: Well Section 8 owns the house...
Dan Kester: Let me eat my breakfast in peace. I gotta keep up my strength.
Mike Nelson: [Southern Accent] Tearin' food stamps is hard!
Mike Nelson: Ya know, in her defense, laying off the booze would mean seeing him sober...
Dan Kester: You're so dumb you wouldn't know rabbit turds from Rice Krispies.
Tom Servo: Snap, crackle, poop.
Mike Nelson: Bobo, Is that you? I mean, really you?
Bobo: No, it's John Schuck on a bad hair day. Of course it's me, and I'm fine but these two, hoo-hoo-hoo, they really love their zucchinis. In fact they're packin' 'em up so they can deliver zucchinis to their friends all over the galaxy.
Mike Nelson: Now, now, now listen very carefully, Bobo. These pods grow aliens who replace your body. If they're loading them into the truck that means the whole galaxy could be in danger.
Bobo: Oh come now, ha. Just because they load a bunch of zucchini throw pillows onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying to take over the galaxy. Haha. Proposterous, typical of you with your back and your Braun hand blenders. Haha. Oh look, I'll just ask her. Oh say, Lawgiver, now are those evil pods? And are you trying to take over the galaxy?
Pearl Forrester: Yes, and yes. Excuse me, please.
Bobo: Well, I guess I can see how you could misconstrue that, Nelson, but I'm still not convinced.
Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
Mike Nelson: Well, again we're doomed.
Crow: [fake-laughing] It's always funny when you turn down tea, then you decide you want tea!
Tom Servo: Ah, greasy guys carrying unconscious girls, comfortable two a.m. beer buzz - you homesick yet, Mike?
Mike Nelson: [singing] The hills are alive with the stink of that guy, his back brace is smelly...
Tom Servo: I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard and the rusted chassis of our 68 Impala...
Ev Kester: Sometimes the only way I know you're still alive is when I hear you flush the toilet.
Tom Servo: Yeah, like they *have* a toilet.
Tom Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumb hole of a bowling ball...
[watching Dan Kester]
Mike Nelson: Johnny Crappleseed.
Crow: Paul Infected Bunyan.
Tom Servo: Old McDonald had a cyst.
[watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]
Mike Nelson: Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.
Tom Servo: Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.
Crow: "It Came from Planet Gross-Out."
Mike Nelson: [as Dan Kester chases Teri out of the room in his filthy long johns] And the movie just ramps up the repulsion.
Crow: This movie hates us doesn't it?
Crow: [as an asteroid shaped like a sperm approaches Earth] I hope Earth has its diaphragm on.
Mike Nelson: Hi, everyone. Mike Nelson here. Welcome to the Satellite...
Tom Servo: [dressed as a cheerleader] Are you ready for some spee-rit!
Pearl Forrester: You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.
Mike and the 'Bots: [over the end credits] Movie sign! Again!
J.R. Vance: Well the appointment must be with your husband then
Mike Nelson: Go Waddle Man!
Mike Nelson: [sing-song] I love tick infested hounds, slaughtering a deer and beer...