- [while observing the lead actor of "Future War"]
- Crow: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
- Mike Nelson: More like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.
- [an opening credit says "special appearance by Mel Novak"]
- Mike Nelson: It'd be more special if we knew who the hell he was!
- Sister Ann: How is it you know English today, but you didn't know English yesterday?
- Mike Nelson: Bad screenwriting, really.
- Tom Servo: Look, the cardboard boxes aren't working, okay? Try throwing a piece of paper or a cotton ball!
- Tom Servo: [as the spaceship comes into view on screen] Wait! Another movie started!
- Mike Nelson: [identifies the ship which the front looks much like a dustbuster] Dustbuster Galactica.
- Crow T. Robot: [summarizing the film] Maybe this is an anthology of short, plotless movies.
- [Runaway is surrounded by cardboard boxes]
- Crow T. Robot: He's "boxed" in!
- Mike Nelson: Yeah, well I'm card-"bored".
- Crow T. Robot: [during the opening credits] I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
- Sister Ann: Drive! Drive!
- Crow T. Robot: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! Of course, if you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.
- [seeing the name "Andre Scruggs" in the opening credits]
- Tom Servo: Ah, the French country singer.
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's usually paired with Guillaume Tubbs.
- Mother Superior: Keep your eyes open. God always answers prayers...
- Crow T. Robot: But only from Catholics!
- Crow T. Robot: You know, I could point out that it's not the future, and there isn't a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.
- [as Runaway and the cyborg fight]
- Crow T. Robot: This is hard to watch because I care about them both so much.
- Mike Nelson: I care about the boxes. I mean, why should innocent freight have to suffer?
- Tom Servo: [referring to the fake boxy-looking spaceship] Meanwhile, the things my stereo came in fly through space!
- Sister Ann: Ever since yesterday at the burial, I've been asking myself...
- Tom Servo: "How much do undertakers make?"
- Federal Agent: I apologize for this humiliation. It's my job.
- Runaway: I have a job, too. I'm a tool.
- Federal Agent: My life *is* my job.
- Runaway: Mine, too.
- Crow T. Robot: Okay, you both have interesting jobs! Don't fight about it!
- Sister Ann: I was studying to become a nun. But now, I was having second thoughts.
- Mike Nelson: [Over shot of a Virgin Mary statue] I'm Mary; this is my story.
- Crow T. Robot: This is a case where the parents should have *crushed* the child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.
- Crow T. Robot: [the hero is wearing a shirt with cut off sleeves] My shirt sleeves are around here somewhere.
- Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE
- Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.