Tom Servo: [as the spaceship comes into view on screen] Wait! Another movie started!
Mike Nelson: [identifies the ship which the front looks much like a dustbuster] Dustbuster Galactica.
Crow T. Robot: [summarizing the film] Maybe this is an anthology of short, plotless movies.
Tom Servo: Look, the cardboard boxes aren't working, okay? Try throwing a piece of paper or a cotton ball!
[an opening credit says "special appearance by Mel Novak"]
Mike Nelson: It'd be more special if we knew who the hell he was!
Tom Servo: [upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"] Oh, Z'no.
Crow T. Robot: [during the opening credits] I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
Sister Ann: How is it you know English today, but you didn't know English yesterday?
Mike Nelson: Bad screenwriting, really.
[while observing the lead actor of "Future War"]
Crow: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Mike Nelson: More like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.
Crow T. Robot: [as the cyborg crashes into the church from above] It's SuperPope!
Mike Nelson: Battle of the guys who peaked in high school!
[Runaway is surrounded by cardboard boxes]
Crow T. Robot: He's "boxed" in!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, well I'm card-"bored".
Sister Ann: Drive! Drive!
Crow T. Robot: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! Of course, if you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.
[as Runaway and the cyborg fight]
Crow T. Robot: This is hard to watch because I care about them both so much.
Mike Nelson: I care about the boxes. I mean, why should innocent freight have to suffer?
Mother Superior: Keep your eyes open. God always answers prayers...
Crow T. Robot: But only from Catholics!
Federal Agent: I apologize for this humiliation. It's my job.
Runaway: I have a job, too. I'm a tool.
Federal Agent: My life *is* my job.
Runaway: Mine, too.
Crow T. Robot: Okay, you both have interesting jobs! Don't fight about it!
Crow T. Robot: You know, I could point out that it's not the future, and there isn't a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.
Mike Nelson: [after a dinosaur has been killed] I came to warn you... an asteroid.
[seeing the name "Andre Scruggs" in the opening credits]
Tom Servo: Ah, the French country singer.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's usually paired with Guillaume Tubbs.
Tom Servo: [referring to the fake boxy-looking spaceship] Meanwhile, the things my stereo came in fly through space!
Crow T. Robot: [Making fun of one of the obese characters] I'll loan him some flesh.
Crow T. Robot: [Runaway is making a grunting face surrounded by boxes] Don't come in yet!
[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Z'no.
Tom Servo: Making a bad movie? That's two weeks in solitary confinement.