As a door knocker is shown on screen, Crow (imitating Jacob Marley) says, "Ebenezer!"
Crow: "Dr. Jerko and Mr. Crap"
Crow: "Every time a bell rings, a devil gets its horns."
Servo: (describing an Ernest Borgnine film) ...someone pledges their love from here to eternity...
Servo: (describing an Ernest Borgnine film) It's about a lonely butcher...
Servo: Mr. Wilson's doing nude yard work again.
Crow: (as Cecil) Is that you, Beanie Boy?
Servo: Dino, no!
Crow: No, Grandma, I don't know why they cancelled Hazel.
Crow: "'Mike Douglas' is on!"
Mike: Save it for Carson, Grandpa.
Crow: McHale's timeshare in Sarasota.
Servo: That damned cat.
Mike: He's turned into the Grinch.
Servo: (describing an Ernest Borgnine film) ...they lead a group of rock hard ex-convicts behind German lines...
Jonathan: Merlin, you bastard! Mike: (as Charlton Heston) You blew it up!
Crow: (as HAL 9000) What are you doing, Dave?
Mike: (singing) I'm going where the sun is shining, through the pouring rain.
Grandpa: I'm talking about... Crow: Shaft, John Shaft.
Servo: Sorry. This was my spec script for The Rookies.
Servo: (describing an Ernest Borgnine film)...Ernest also leads a bunch of people out of a huge capsized ocean liner...
Servo: (a bed start to shake) Bought the bed from Linda Blair.
Crow: I also have a script called Chinatown. I don't like it as much.
"Riff Raff at Home!"
Servo: (a cat is being force fed) Meow meow safe. Meow meow very safe.
Crow: "Is that two-hour 'Incredible Hulk' special on tonight, or is that tomorrow?"
Jonathan: This is incredible. Crow: Like that show with Fran Tarkenton.
Mike: Larry "Bud" Melman in drag.
Crow: (as E.T.) He's with Elliott.
Servo: I think it's called Airwolf.
Mentioned by name during the show.
Crow comments that Merlin's book of spells is "on the Oprah list."
Mike: It's the Wallace method for going down to breakfast.
Servo: They just got Barb Wire at Blockbuster.
Servo: (as Merlin) I can't believe they're having Sam Neil play me.
'Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders' is the featured movie in this 'MST3K' episode.