- Moe Szyslak: All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
- Homer: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher!
- Moe Szyslak: All right, all right!
- [he hammers the crayon further up Homer's nose]
- Homer: De-Fense! Woof! Woof! De-Fense! Woof! Woof!
- Moe Szyslak: Eh, that's pretty dumb. But, uh...
- [hammers the crayon up more]
- Homer: Extended warranty? How can I lose?
- Moe Szyslak: Perfect.
- [Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
- Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
- Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?
- Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
- [leaves]
- [removal of the crayon in Homer's brain will either increase his brain power, or possibly kill him]
- Homer: Increase my killing power, eh?
- [at a Julia Roberts movie parody]
- Homer: That wasn't funny.
- Patty Bouvier: Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing! It's him!
- Homer: Hey, don't blame me! This movie is tired and predictable! You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere!
- [all gasp]
- Dr. Hibbert: I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.
- Sea Captain: Ably played by Bill Paxton.
- Homer: It's Bill Pullman, you fool!
- [gets thrown out]
- Movie Usher: Go point out your plot holes elsewhere!
- Lisa Simpson: [learning Homer re-inserted a crayon into his brain] Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
- Homer Simpson: We were what what in the what what?
- Scientist #1: [re: the crayon in Homer's brain] Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your... sub-normal intelligence.
- Homer Simpson: Hey! I came here to be drugged, electrocuted, and probed, not insulted.
- Marge: Oh, Homer, where have you been?
- Homer: I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ 50 points.
- Marge: Really?
- Homer: And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too.
- Marge: Do you feel smarter?
- Homer: Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck?
- Lisa: [the family all looks to her] It is.
- Bart Simpson: I don't believe it. Say something else smart.
- Homer: Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well-known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.
- Lisa: [the family all looks to her again] It's true!
- Homer: Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "liberry" or "tomorry".
- Scientist #2: First, we'll test this experimental perfume on you.
- Homer: [screaming] It burns! It burns!
- Scientist #2: Hmm...
- [to her colleagues]
- Scientist #2: We'll call it "Desert Breeze".
- Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
- [the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
- Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
- [all laugh]
- Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now, let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
- Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
- Marge: Well, maybe if you ate some meat, you'd have a natural lubricant.
- [gasps and turns to Homer]
- Marge: You lost all our money?
- Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
- [rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
- Homer: Damn you, eBay!
- Homer: Hey, Flanders, heading for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.
- Ned: Ooh, found a new shortcut?
- Homer: Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God.
- Ned: We'll just see about that.
- [giving it a once-over]
- Ned: Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mistake. Nope, it's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out.
- [as he burns it, he sees Homer putting similar flyers on car windshields]
- Scientist #1: That appetite suppressant is amazing.
- Scientist #2: Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?
- Homer: Food? I'm blind!
- [he starts screaming]
- Scientist #1: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
- Scientist #2: We'll let marketing worry about that.
- Homer: [his friends are burning him in effigy] So, you all hate me?
- Lenny: That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
- Carl: Not to mention driving to.
- Moe Szyslak: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A *lot* happier.
- Lenny: You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
- Homer: Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...
- [a wood plank hits him on the back of the head]
- Homer: Ahh!
- Moe Szyslak: Power off, Einstein.
- Homer: I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry!
- Teller: Uh, sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll need your wife's signature, too.
- Homer: Oh! Yes, of course. Uh, she's behind that plant. Hello, Marge.
- [going behind the plant and imitating Marge]
- Homer: Hi, Homie.
- [switching back and forth]
- Homer: Sign this, please. "You're the boss."
- [imitating Lisa]
- Homer: Daddy, ask the man for some candy.
- Homer: No, no. No candy for you. "Well, at least get some candy for yourself."
- [to the teller with a chuckle]
- Homer: Kids.
- Teller: [sighing] Here's your candy.
- Homer: [running away] So, long, sucker!
- Teller: Uh, sir, your life savings.
- Homer: Uh, yes, I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.
- Kent Brockman: Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth...
- Homer: Yes!
- Kent Brockman: ...after plunging 75 points this morning.
- Homer: [worried] Oh, I hope "plunging" means up and 75 means 200.
- Kent Brockman: The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
- Homer: [groaning] Ohhh!
- Mr. Burns: It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistleblower.
- Homer: [to himself] Mm-hmm.
- Mr. Burns: Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!
- Lenny: Way to put us out of work, genius.
- Carl: I can't feed my family with a codpiece.
- Homer: Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better. Your better!
- Scientist #1: [watching one of Homer's test experiments] Where did that rat come from?
- Scientist #2: He must have brought it in with him.
- Homer: Hmm...
- [the rat beats him to a buzzer that lights up]
- Homer: Damn it!
- Scientist #1: Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?
- Scientist #2: He's a little too well-fed to be a wino.
- [spotting something on Homer's x-ray]
- Scientist #2: Hey, what's that?
- Homer: [at a school assembly] I am here to give hope to the least of you, because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
- Nelson Muntz: Question.
- Homer: Yes, Nelson.
- Nelson Muntz: [quietly] A moron says what?
- Homer: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However...
- [he mumbles unintelligbly]
- Nelson Muntz: What?
- Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
- Homer: [learning of the crayon in his brain] I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever, I pick up an x-ray, I always hold it like this. My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time.
- [chortling]
- Dr. Hibbert: I'll show myself out.
- Scientist #2: Do you have any idea how this might have happened?
- Homer: Well, I'm not sure, but it might have happened when I was six.
- [flashback to six-year-old Homer putting crayons up his nose]
- Homer: Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen! Who-hoo!
- [feeling woozy]
- Homer: Oh, I don't feel so good.
- [as he sneezes, the crayons come out of his nose]
- Homer: Uh, I think that's all of 'em.
- Lenny: Whatcha mailing, Homer?
- Homer Simpson: I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.
- Carl: How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns?
- Homer Simpson: I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
- Lenny: Yeah, and just in time. Every day, there's more skin on my pillow.
- Carl: Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.
- Homer Simpson: Comfy, isn't it?
- Carl: Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.
- Barney: You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money. I'm a human guinea pig.
- Homer: You mean, like, medical testing?
- Barney: Yeah. Medical, military, chewing stuff.
- Moe Szyslak: Chewing stuff?
- Barney: Yeah. Like, you chew on a telephone wire 'til you get a shock.
- Moe Szyslak: Oh, oh, right. Okay.
- Homer: Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?
- Barney: [opening his shirt to reveal extra ears on his chest] Ah, you get a few side effects.
- Moe Szyslak: Are those ears?
- Barney: [closing his shirt again] Ow! Not so loud!
- Homer: Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
- Scientist #1: I'm sorry, we don't play God here.
- Homer: That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God. And I think your octoparrot would agree.
- Polly: [squawking] Polly shouldn't be.
- Lisa: [reading a note from Homer] "Lisa, I'm taking the coward's way out. But before I do, I just want you to know being smart made me appreciate how amazing you really are."