The Simpsons (TV Series)
HOMR (2001)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Jobriath, Itchy, Barney, Ozmodiar, Inspector, Priest, Groom #1
Quotes
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Moe Szyslak : All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
Homer : Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher!
Moe Szyslak : All right, all right!
[he hammers the crayon further up Homer's nose]
Homer : De-Fense! Woof! Woof! De-Fense! Woof! Woof!
Moe Szyslak : Eh, that's pretty dumb. But, uh...
[hammers the crayon up more]
Homer : Extended warranty? How can I lose?
Moe Szyslak : Perfect.
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[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge : [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer : [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge : [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]
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[removal of the crayon in Homer's brain will either increase his brain power, or possibly kill him]
Homer : Increase my killing power, eh?
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[at a Julia Roberts movie parody]
Homer : That wasn't funny.
Patty Bouvier : Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing! It's him!
Homer : Hey, don't blame me! This movie is tired and predictable! You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere!
[all gasp]
Dr. Hibbert : I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.
Sea Captain : Ably played by Bill Paxton.
Homer : It's Bill Pullman, you fool!
[gets thrown out]
Movie Usher : Go point out your plot holes elsewhere!
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Lisa Simpson : [learning Homer re-inserted a crayon into his brain] Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
Homer Simpson : We were what what in the what what?
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Homer : I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
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Scientist #1 : [re: the crayon in Homer's brain] Mr. Simpson, this could be responsible for your... sub-normal intelligence.
Homer Simpson : Hey! I came here to be drugged, electrocuted, and probed, not insulted.
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Marge : Oh, Homer, where have you been?
Homer : I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ 50 points.
Marge : Really?
Homer : And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too.
Marge : Do you feel smarter?
Homer : Is the capital of North Dakota Bismarck?
Lisa : [the family all looks to her] It is.
Bart Simpson : I don't believe it. Say something else smart.
Homer : Dr. Joyce Brothers may be well-known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect.
Lisa : [the family all looks to her again] It's true!
Homer : Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say "liberry" or "tomorry".
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Scientist #2 : First, we'll test this experimental perfume on you.
Homer : [screaming] It burns! It burns!
Scientist #2 : Hmm...
[to her colleagues]
Scientist #2 : We'll call it "Desert Breeze".
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Homer : Animation is so great. It's way better than... whatever the alternative is.
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[pointing at his chest]
Homer : There's a crayon in my brain?
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Homer : Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer : Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer : All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now, let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa : Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge : Well, maybe if you ate some meat, you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge : You lost all our money?
Homer : Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer : Damn you, eBay!
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Homer : Hey, Flanders, heading for church? Well, I thought I could save you a little time.
Ned : Ooh, found a new shortcut?
Homer : Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal, and I accidentally proved there's no God.
Ned : We'll just see about that.
[giving it a once-over]
Ned : Uh-oh. Well, maybe he made a mistake. Nope, it's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out.
[as he burns it, he sees Homer putting similar flyers on car windshields]
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Scientist #1 : That appetite suppressant is amazing.
Scientist #2 : Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer : Food? I'm blind!
[he starts screaming]
Scientist #1 : Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Scientist #2 : We'll let marketing worry about that.
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Homer : [his friends are burning him in effigy] So, you all hate me?
Lenny : That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
Carl : Not to mention driving to.
Moe Szyslak : And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A *lot* happier.
Lenny : You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
Homer : Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern...
[a wood plank hits him on the back of the head]
Homer : Ahh!
Moe Szyslak : Power off, Einstein.
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Homer : I'd like to withdraw my life savings, please. And hurry!
Teller : Uh, sir, this is a joint account. Uh, you'll need your wife's signature, too.
Homer : Oh! Yes, of course. Uh, she's behind that plant. Hello, Marge.
[going behind the plant and imitating Marge]
Homer : Hi, Homie.
[switching back and forth]
Homer : Sign this, please. "You're the boss."
[imitating Lisa]
Homer : Daddy, ask the man for some candy.
Homer : No, no. No candy for you. "Well, at least get some candy for yourself."
[to the teller with a chuckle]
Homer : Kids.
Teller : [sighing] Here's your candy.
Homer : [running away] So, long, sucker!
Teller : Uh, sir, your life savings.
Homer : Uh, yes, I see that it's in bill form. Excellent.
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Kent Brockman : Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth...
Homer : Yes!
Kent Brockman : ...after plunging 75 points this morning.
Homer : [worried] Oh, I hope "plunging" means up and 75 means 200.
Kent Brockman : The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Homer : [groaning] Ohhh!
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Mr. Burns : It seems the federales have been tipped off by an anonymous whistleblower.
Homer : [to himself] Mm-hmm.
Mr. Burns : Now, while the plant is brought up to code, there will be massive layoffs. That is to say, total layoffs. Toodles!
Lenny : Way to put us out of work, genius.
Carl : I can't feed my family with a codpiece.
Homer : Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better. Your better!
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Scientist #1 : [watching one of Homer's test experiments] Where did that rat come from?
Scientist #2 : He must have brought it in with him.
Homer : Hmm...
[the rat beats him to a buzzer that lights up]
Homer : Damn it!
Scientist #1 : Man, is he dumb. Where do they get these subjects?
Scientist #2 : He's a little too well-fed to be a wino.
[spotting something on Homer's x-ray]
Scientist #2 : Hey, what's that?
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Homer : [at a school assembly] I am here to give hope to the least of you, because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
Nelson Muntz : Question.
Homer : Yes, Nelson.
Nelson Muntz : [quietly] A moron says what?
Homer : Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However...
[he mumbles unintelligbly]
Nelson Muntz : What?
Homer : Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
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Homer : [learning of the crayon in his brain] I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?
Dr. Hibbert : Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever, I pick up an x-ray, I always hold it like this. My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time.
[chortling]
Dr. Hibbert : I'll show myself out.
Scientist #2 : Do you have any idea how this might have happened?
Homer : Well, I'm not sure, but it might have happened when I was six.
[flashback to six-year-old Homer putting crayons up his nose]
Homer : Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen! Who-hoo!
[feeling woozy]
Homer : Oh, I don't feel so good.
[as he sneezes, the crayons come out of his nose]
Homer : Uh, I think that's all of 'em.
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Lenny : Whatcha mailing, Homer?
Homer Simpson : I've compiled a thorough safety report on this plant.
Carl : How come you're not giving it to Mr. Burns?
Homer Simpson : I've decided to disintermediate the local authorities and send it straight to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
Lenny : Yeah, and just in time. Every day, there's more skin on my pillow.
Carl : Yeah, it's nice to have someone with brains in this nuclear plant. Homer's the guy who rigged up my pants with this special codpiece.
Homer Simpson : Comfy, isn't it?
Carl : Oh, yeah. It provides the freedom and protection I so sorely need.
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Barney : You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money. I'm a human guinea pig.
Homer : You mean, like, medical testing?
Barney : Yeah. Medical, military, chewing stuff.
Moe Szyslak : Chewing stuff?
Barney : Yeah. Like, you chew on a telephone wire 'til you get a shock.
Moe Szyslak : Oh, oh, right. Okay.
Homer : Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous?
Barney : [opening his shirt to reveal extra ears on his chest] Ah, you get a few side effects.
Moe Szyslak : Are those ears?
Barney : [closing his shirt again] Ow! Not so loud!
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Homer : Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Scientist #1 : I'm sorry, we don't play God here.
Homer : That's ridiculous. You do nothing but play God. And I think your octoparrot would agree.
Polly : [squawking] Polly shouldn't be.
