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Quotes

Crow: People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?

Bobo: Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.

Crow: Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?

Bobo: Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.

Crow: Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!

Bobo: Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...

Crow: Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!

Tom Servo: Hang up.

Crow: Um, I have another call... See ya.

Tom Servo: Hang up!

Bobo: No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.

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Crow T. Robot: [about Pixie] Hey, Marge Simpson!

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Crow: [looking at the short, very fuzzy Hobgoblin] It's a bonsai Bigfoot.

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Tom Servo: Ha, he never asked me about my grandchildren!

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Mike Nelson: Hey! Don't scratch the quaterflash!

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Tom Servo: We are in hell right? I mean now when we meet people, we can tell them we have ACTUALLY been to hell.

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Tom Servo: Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

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Mike Nelson: Ah! An hour into the movie, and finally some Hobgoblins.

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Crow T. Robot: Say Mike, give the incredibly depraved attitude regarding women in today's movie, I knew you'd want me to make a short film for boys and young men teaching them how to treat the fairer sex, with a proper and healthy respect.

[Mike and Servo are both reading]

Crow T. Robot: Uh... Mike! Mike!

Mike Nelson: Uh, yeah sure.

Crow T. Robot: So, ah, good, because I went ahead and did it anyway, and hopefully it will help just a little! Let's watch...

Crow T. Robot: ["Let's talk Women" - Crow's short film about women] Aaaah, women. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women. Ha-ha-ha-ha. For you young fellows, fresh on the cusp of a blooming manhood, the questions are bound; what are women like? what do women want? how should I treat a women? Perhaps the thorniest problem facing any young man is finding a woman in the first place! It turns out to be... nealy *impossible!* This reporter spent countless hours searching for a woman, like these pictured here

[shows clips of Hobgoblins, with Amy and Daphne in them]

Crow T. Robot: to no avail. The nearest we came during a tense stakeout was this fellow

[Shows a clip of Mike Nelson biting into a sandwich,]

Crow T. Robot: who experts believe, is not a woman. We begin to wonder, where are all the women? The over-heated references in poetry, the images that dominate our media, is it all an elaborate fraud? This grainy photograph is the only direct evidence we have of a woman in her natural environment.

[Shows a black and white, Bigfoot-like photo of a large women in a forest]

Crow T. Robot: The longer hair, the gentle and nurturing demeanour are typical of how witnesses describe their supposed encounters with women. This footprint

[Crow stands beside a clay model of a huge Bigfoot-sized footprint]

Crow T. Robot: , while possibly the work of jokesters, is another piece of the puzzle! And it is hard to discount this mans terrifying story!

[Crow, wearing a moustahce, and putting on a fake voice, appears on the screen]

Crow T. Robot: "Then... uh... this woman - I think it was a woman... she... uh... married me"

[Crow ,off-screen, as an interviewer]

Crow T. Robot: "Did you have any children, sir?" "I don't remember!"

[Back to normal Crow]

Crow T. Robot: Some day perhaps, an actual woman will emerge, and they will no longer exist only in the realm of myth and maybe. Thank You.

[Video Ends]

Crow T. Robot: [sighs] Oh yeah, so, anyway Mike, in conclusion, um... in the off chance that you do run into a woman, uh, you know, treat her with respect and stuff.

Mike Nelson: [Chuckles] Okay, you do know Crow, you do know women though, what about Pearl?

Crow T. Robot: [Thinking] Okay, so *one* woman exists, that mean *all women exist!

Mike Nelson: We'll be right back.

Crow T. Robot: Name me one other woman!

Mike Nelson: Well, um...

[Frowns and thinks]

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Mike Nelson: [as a Hobgoblin drives a golf cart along] Hmmm, a real smooth ride, good steering, I like it.

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Crow T. Robot: [about a Hobgoblin] I went to Michael Spinks' barber, okay!

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Tom Servo: [as Kevin and McCreedy run away from the golf-cart-load of Hobgoblins, they grab a pole]

[Imitating McCreedy]

Tom Servo: Here, try some pole-dancing!

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Mike Nelson: [as background music stops] They ripped out the tape player!

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McCreedy: If you only knew what you just did!

Kevin: But I don't understand! What just happened?

McCreedy: The vault... I tried to warn you... those creatures... the vault... I tried...

Crow T. Robot: Sentence fragments... Just phrases!

McCreedy: For thirty years I've been trying to prevent this from happening!

Kevin: T-to prevent *what* from happening?

McCreedy: Those creatures, why, why do you think I spent the last thirty years of my life here?

Crow T. Robot: Low SAT's?

McCreedy: I was keeping them from escaping... I was young when I began to work here, and the studio was busy and prosperous.

[the guys start to mock McCreedy, as his voice becomes high-pitched and trembly as he speaks]

Mike Nelson: Now I sound like Joseph Campbell!

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Amy: [after the rake-fight in the garden] You looked really pathetic!

Crow T. Robot: Okay, grab a rake, lets go!

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Tom Servo: They made love in their chevy van, and that's NOT alright with me!

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Daphne: Icks-nay on the ogus-nay, okay!

Tom Servo: What, bite me-ay!

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Tom Servo: Camaro: The official car of 'peaked in high school'.

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Mike Nelson: [as Kyle, when the hobgoblins attack] There's a girl touching me! Yuck!

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Crow T. Robot: [as McCreedy runs] Buddy Ebsen, triathlete.

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Mike Nelson: [as McCreedy uses the phone] This is Captain Kangaroo. Come in, Mr. Moose.

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Kevin: We've got this friend who's in the army.

Crow T. Robot: Omar Bradley...?

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Crow T. Robot: [During the fight] So does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract?

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Tom Servo: [as Kevin and Nick begin their fight] Full contact mulching, I guess.

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Crow T. Robot: [as Kevin parks his car] Paint my muscle car prune color, please!

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Mike Nelson: [as Dennis backs onto the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, Flatbutt.

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Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the '80's! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Regan!

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Tom Servo: Meet the hobgoblins; Franky, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce and The Claw!

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Crow T. Robot: [Daphne, Amy and Kyle dance] Ah, they're having an all girls night!

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Daphne: See you guys later!

Mike Nelson: Okay, Olive Oyl!

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Daphne: That's weird!

Crow T. Robot: I'm not having sex right now!

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Tom Servo: [about Daphne] Ha, she looks like Michael Bolton!

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Crow T. Robot: [about Daphne] It's a praying mantis in a party dress! Oh no, it's her, sorry...

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Tom Servo: [about Daphne] When threatened she gains the strength of a thousand trollops!

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Mike Nelson: [Daphne enters the room, her clothes a mess] After my date with Prince I went right home!

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Crow T. Robot: [Daphne and Amy get attacked by Hobgoblins] Someone's rubbing puppets on us!

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Mike Nelson: He's really my mentor. He showed me how to truly love a woman from across the street, through a telescope.

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Crow T. Robot: Aah, badly lit warehouse, I feel better already!

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Mike Nelson: [as McCreedy walks across the screen] Huh, what, has he got pringles in his shoes?

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Tom Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright!

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McCreedy: Dennis! Dennis!

Mike Nelson: I wanna play tennis!

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McCreedy: [McCreedy and Dennis, two security workers are talking] Come on, it's time for our rounds.

Mike Nelson: Oh, so they're doctors! Mmm, uh-huh, yeah okay.

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Tom Servo: [about McCreedy] He's the abusive grandfather I never had!

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Mike Nelson: [film cuts to a very wide shot] Ha, the cameraman just can't get up the energy to get over there.

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Crow T. Robot: [Impersonating McCreedy] And here's my secret stash of Cheetos, Dr. Pepper and back issues of Cosmo

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Tom Servo: Jimmy Stewart and Rex Smith in 'Breaking In'!

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Tom Servo: [the opening credits start] Hey the end credits, horrible movie but at least it's short!

Mike Nelson: No these are the beginning credits.

Tom Servo: Oh well, then kill me please!

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Road Rash: My bike's right outside

Mike Nelson: Yeah, it's a ten speed

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Daphne: [to Wang Chung's 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight'] Everybody have sex tonight!

Tom Servo: Everybody throw up tonight!

Crow: Ironically no-one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night!

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Mike Nelson: [Nick and Kevin fight in the garden, with rakes] Wow the suspense is killing me. Will they water their lawn?

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Tom Servo: Mike if I run out of vomit can I borrow some of yours?

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Crow: [as Kevin is being attacked by a hobgoblin] Really, the worst that would happen is one of those little plastic eyes would fall out and you'd choke on it.

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Crow: [after Kevin flips over the lowlife] Now, come on, that move really requires the cooperation of the flip-ee.

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Tom Servo: [Describing Fantazia] She's the kind of girl you bring home to meet Mother, if Mother's a cigaretty retired hooker.

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Dennis: Yoo hoo! Mr. McCreedy!

Tom Servo: I need another 'Yoo-Hoo!'

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Crow: She's made her decision and they're going ahead with the sex!

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Crow: Slutting's fun, isn't it?

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Crow: Hey, it's a common man with his common van.

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Mike Nelson: Oh, big man, you strangled a plush toy!

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Crow: [as Kevin arrives at his house] Ah-hah! And what brisk witticism will this chappie have to offer?

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Mike Nelson: The Army was looking for sharp people, and Nick qualified.

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Daphne: [During the long, infamous rake-fight] Go, Nick, kick his butt!

Mike Nelson: Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!

Crow: Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?

Tom Servo: [about Daphne] Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?

Daphne: I'm getting so sweaty already!

Mike Nelson: So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?

Crow: Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!

Daphne: Yeah, go for it!

Tom Servo: Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!

Mike Nelson: You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.

Crow: Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!

Tom Servo: [Impersonating Nick] I'm gonna compost you, man...

Mike Nelson: [yawns] All the tension. Will they water their lawn?

Tom Servo: ...wow...

Crow: ...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.

Tom Servo: This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'

Mike Nelson: Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.

Crow: Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?

Tom Servo: Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!

Mike Nelson: Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.

Tom Servo: [Impersonating Kyle] Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.

Tom Servo: Wow, yeah.

Mike Nelson: I could watch this forever.

Tom Servo: Yeah.

Mike Nelson: Do you have a feeling I probably will be?

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Crow: Oh, Nick's in the French Army, I see.

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Tom Servo: I don't need to see every part of the human anatomy outlined in spandex. I can trust it's all there!

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Mike Nelson: [Daphne is waiting outside for Nick] Anybody out here will do, really...

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Mike Nelson: [about Kyle's clothes] Pee-wee Herman, casual wear.

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Crow T. Robot: Just as long as Demi Moore doesn't come out and start shaking her saline bags.

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Amy: I want you to show everyone that I'm not wearing any underwear!

Crow T. Robot: What, you mean *under* your underwear!

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Pearl Forrester: Mike, Servo, Art, I took away the couch and brought it back down here. You are all old enough to be taking some responsibility for some of our things

[In the background Brain Guy and Bobo start jumping on the couch]

Pearl Forrester: Couches do not grow on trees!

Bobo: Hey can I have some of you grape juice?

Brain Guy: Sure, if I can have some of that seal coating!

Pearl Forrester: There was a nice settee I was thinking of sending up there, there was a particular office chair I know you would have enjoyed, Crow, but I don't know if I can ever trust you with any home furnishings ever again... Bobo, Brain Guy, who wants candy?

Bobo: Oh I do, I do!

Brain Guy: Me, me!

Pearl Forrester: [Pearl hands them a bomb each] I don't mean to yell...

[Pearl places cotton wool in her ears, and two explosions occurs off-screen]

Pearl Forrester: ... I just really want everyone to stay off the couch.

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Tom Servo: Well, I'm sorry Mike.

Mike Nelson: Well there, you just did it again.

Tom Servo: What! Oh, gah, gee!

Mike Nelson: Hi everyone and welcome to the satelitte of love, Servo and I were just talking...

Tom Servo:

  • look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!


Mike Nelson: Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.

Crow: Hey there guys, whats up?

Tom Servo: Gah, Crow!

Crow: Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?

Tom Servo: Yes, you know you did!

Crow: Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.

Mike Nelson: You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.

Tom Servo: Ah, Oh Mike!

Crow: Mike, Geez, Gah!

Mike Nelson: Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?

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Crow: [sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!

Tom Servo: [sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!

Mike Nelson: Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't

Tom Servo: Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...

Pearl Forrester: Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.

[Goes all breathless and looks turned on]

Pearl Forrester: Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!

Brain Guy: Yes Madam.

[Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]

Pearl Forrester: And no jumping on the couch!

[Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]

Crow: Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!

Tom Servo: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!

[Laughs]

Mike Nelson: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Laughs]

Pearl Forrester: Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!

[Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]

Pearl Forrester: Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!

Crow: Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!

Pearl Forrester: Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.

Brain Guy: Huh, no!

[Bobo shrieks]

Brain Guy: [the guys stop laughing and look scared]

Pearl Forrester: [Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...

[Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]

Pearl Forrester: ... is called...

[Removes a film reel from a chest]

Pearl Forrester: ... Hobgoblins!

[Bobo shrieks again]

Mike Nelson: Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!

[the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]

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Tom Servo: [Trying to figure out what the band is singing] Pig licker I think, so perhaps a man who licks pigs or liquor made from pigs.

Mike Nelson: I would not want pig liquor.

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Mike Nelson: If this is your god, you have a severe ontological problem.

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Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

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Tom Servo: [the fired security guard pushes a button, blowing up the film vault] That was supposed to open the van door!

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[after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"]

Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

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Crow: Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?

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Kevin: [asks his friends passed out on the couch] Where's Kyle?

Mike Nelson: What? Did they split a keg of Robitussin? Come on, get up.

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[the guys are watching the film and the security guard is getting attacked by a gangster]

Mike Nelson: I don't like the old-guy-getting-killed channel!

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McCreedy: Hello, Mr. Comstock? Yes, I realize what time it is. I'm sorry to wake you, but... there's been an accident at the studio.

Crow: We made "Hobgoblins".

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Crow T. Robot: [imitating a hobgoblin] Drive us to Chuck 'E' Cheese!

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Kevin: Idiot!

Mike Nelson: This from an *assistant* security guard.

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[Nick has just burst into flames after trying to cover a grenade with its pin pulled]

Crow: My fajita plate was really hot and I touched it!

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[we see a gumball machine in the background]

Tom Servo: Hey, it's my mom!

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Amy: I want you to treat me like dirt.

Tom Servo: Like Phil Dirt?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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