- Crow T. Robot: Say Mike, give the incredibly depraved attitude regarding women in today's movie, I knew you'd want me to make a short film for boys and young men teaching them how to treat the fairer sex, with a proper and healthy respect.
- [Mike and Servo are both reading]
- Crow T. Robot: Uh... Mike! Mike!
- Mike Nelson: Uh, yeah sure.
- Crow T. Robot: So, ah, good, because I went ahead and did it anyway, and hopefully it will help just a little! Let's watch...
- Crow T. Robot: ["Let's talk Women" - Crow's short film about women] Aaaah, women. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women. Ha-ha-ha-ha. For you young fellows, fresh on the cusp of a blooming manhood, the questions are bound; what are women like? what do women want? how should I treat a women? Perhaps the thorniest problem facing any young man is finding a woman in the first place! It turns out to be... nealy *impossible!* This reporter spent countless hours searching for a woman, like these pictured here
- [shows clips of Hobgoblins, with Amy and Daphne in them]
- Crow T. Robot: to no avail. The nearest we came during a tense stakeout was this fellow
- [Shows a clip of Mike Nelson biting into a sandwich,]
- Crow T. Robot: who experts believe, is not a woman. We begin to wonder, where are all the women? The over-heated references in poetry, the images that dominate our media, is it all an elaborate fraud? This grainy photograph is the only direct evidence we have of a woman in her natural environment.
- [Shows a black and white, Bigfoot-like photo of a large women in a forest]
- Crow T. Robot: The longer hair, the gentle and nurturing demeanour are typical of how witnesses describe their supposed encounters with women. This footprint
- [Crow stands beside a clay model of a huge Bigfoot-sized footprint]
- Crow T. Robot: , while possibly the work of jokesters, is another piece of the puzzle! And it is hard to discount this mans terrifying story!
- [Crow, wearing a moustahce, and putting on a fake voice, appears on the screen]
- Crow T. Robot: "Then... uh... this woman - I think it was a woman... she... uh... married me"
- [Crow ,off-screen, as an interviewer]
- Crow T. Robot: "Did you have any children, sir?" "I don't remember!"
- [Back to normal Crow]
- Crow T. Robot: Some day perhaps, an actual woman will emerge, and they will no longer exist only in the realm of myth and maybe. Thank You.
- [Video Ends]
- Crow T. Robot: [sighs] Oh yeah, so, anyway Mike, in conclusion, um... in the off chance that you do run into a woman, uh, you know, treat her with respect and stuff.
- Mike Nelson: [Chuckles] Okay, you do know Crow, you do know women though, what about Pearl?
- Crow T. Robot: [Thinking] Okay, so *one* woman exists, that mean *all women exist!
- Mike Nelson: We'll be right back.
- Crow T. Robot: Name me one other woman!
- Mike Nelson: Well, um...
- [Frowns and thinks]
- Tom Servo: [the opening credits start] Hey the end credits, horrible movie but at least it's short!
- Mike Nelson: No these are the beginning credits.
- Tom Servo: Oh well, then kill me please!
- Tom Servo: We are in hell right? I mean now when we meet people, we can tell them we have ACTUALLY been to hell.
- Crow: People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?
- Bobo: Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.
- Crow: Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?
- Bobo: Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.
- Crow: Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!
- Bobo: Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...
- Crow: Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!
- Tom Servo: Hang up.
- Crow: Um, I have another call... See ya.
- Tom Servo: Hang up!
- Bobo: No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.
- Mike Nelson: [as a Hobgoblin drives a golf cart along] Hmmm, a real smooth ride, good steering, I like it.
- McCreedy: If you only knew what you just did!
- Kevin: But I don't understand! What just happened?
- McCreedy: The vault... I tried to warn you... those creatures... the vault... I tried...
- Crow T. Robot: Sentence fragments... Just phrases!
- McCreedy: For thirty years I've been trying to prevent this from happening!
- Kevin: T-to prevent *what* from happening?
- McCreedy: Those creatures, why, why do you think I spent the last thirty years of my life here?
- Crow T. Robot: Low SAT's?
- McCreedy: I was keeping them from escaping... I was young when I began to work here, and the studio was busy and prosperous.
- [the guys start to mock McCreedy, as his voice becomes high-pitched and trembly as he speaks]
- Mike Nelson: Now I sound like Joseph Campbell!
- Amy: [after the rake-fight in the garden] You looked really pathetic!
- Crow T. Robot: Okay, grab a rake, lets go!
- Mike Nelson: [Daphne enters the room, her clothes a mess] After my date with Prince I went right home!
- Mike Nelson: He's really my mentor. He showed me how to truly love a woman from across the street, through a telescope.
- McCreedy: [McCreedy and Dennis, two security workers are talking] Come on, it's time for our rounds.
- Mike Nelson: Oh, so they're doctors! Mmm, uh-huh, yeah okay.
- Mike Nelson: [film cuts to a very wide shot] Ha, the cameraman just can't get up the energy to get over there.
- Crow T. Robot: [Impersonating McCreedy] And here's my secret stash of Cheetos, Dr. Pepper and back issues of Cosmo
- Mike Nelson: [Nick and Kevin fight in the garden, with rakes] Wow the suspense is killing me. Will they water their lawn?