Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavyset. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?
Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.
Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.
Asian Minister: Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.
Larry Valentine: You know what, I cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid ugly face tonight, so don't bother coming in the bedroom.
Chuck Levine: Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey!
Larry Valentine: You are a lousy best friend, and a shitty husband!
Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.
Larry Valentine: You're a monster!
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: Gentlemen, I have a very simple policy. What you shove up your ass is your own business.
Chuck Levine: [In court, both leaning together to kiss, cringing] Going in straight.
Larry Valentine: Coming out... gay?
Larry Valentine: Domestic partnership.
Chuck Levine: Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots?
Larry Valentine: No, I mean yeah but, no, not us. Obviously. Just on paper.
Chuck Levine: Paper faggots?
Larry Valentine: Well, the accepted vernacular is "gay"... but yes.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
Phone Operator: What is your name?
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating!
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, *"Wheeew!"*
Larry Valentine: [while Chuck and Larry are being interviewed separately] The worst day we ever had on the job?
Chuck Levine: This little kid fell in a swimming pool...
Larry Valentine: Chuck was the first one there...
Chuck Levine: I dove in...
Larry Valentine: He pulled him out...
Chuck Levine: I worked on him...
Larry Valentine: worked on him, worked on him, but...
Chuck Levine: Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get... couldn't get that kid outta my head.
Larry Valentine: When my wife died.
Chuck Levine: Ah, that was the worst.
Larry Valentine: I collapsed.
Chuck Levine: He knew it was coming but...
Larry Valentine: What we have is beyond friendship.
Chuck Levine: He's the best man I know.
Larry Valentine: I'd do anything for him.
Chuck Levine: I love him.
Larry Valentine: I love him.
Chuck Levine: What do you got?
Larry Valentine: Maxi Pads.
Chuck Levine: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!
Kevin McDonough: Hey, apple dumpling, what's crack-a-lacking?
Chuck Levine: I'm not an animal! I'm a whore! You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that.
Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.
Chuck Levine: Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: You guys are gonna be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory!
Crazy Homeless Man: [At Chuck and Larry's wedding] There's a microphone in the cake!
Crazy Homeless Man: [knocks top off cake] They moved it.
Asian Minister: Civil or religious?
Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.
Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.
Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.
Jerky Boy: Mr. Valentine, you said you're a fireman.
Larry Valentine: Yes, that is correct.
Jerky Boy: Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.
Chuck Levine: The only thing I'm doing with my eyes is putting a bag over your head, you toothless moron!
Kevin McDonough: I'm sorry sir. He sucks, you're cool, I'm gay, I'm out.
[sits down again]
Larry Valentine: [Breaking into Bernie's room to rescue him] Holy Shamo!
Bernie: I'm sorry I can't get out of bed.
Chuck Levine: There's a bed under there?
Larry Valentine: Can you walk at all?
Bernie: I haven't walked in five years!
Chuck Levine: Alright, maybe we strap a rocketship on this guy we'll get him outta here.
Larry Valentine: No, no, we can do this, People lift cars, it's adrenaline, you know.
Chuck Levine: Cars? This guy is more like a freaking minivan.
Larry Valentine: Hey, buddy we're gonna help you outta here, come on.
Bernie: How's my mom?
Chuck Levine: [referring to Bernie's obesity] If she survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down.
Chuck Levine: Let me chop him off, we'll take him down in pieces.
Chuck Levine: I'm kidding.
Larry Valentine: Just grab the back of our coats.
Chuck Levine: Hey, did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts?
Bernie: [chuckles] That's funny.
Bernie: I'm running momma, I'm running like the wind.
[They roll down the stairs and Bernie lands his butt on top of Chuck's face]
Larry Valentine: Chuck, you alright?
[Chuck gives Larry a thumbs up but Bernie farts and he pulls his thumb down]
Larry Valentine: [laughs] Oh my god, oh sweet Lord, broccoli!
[as Larry leans in to kiss him at their wedding, Chuck smacks him hard across the face]
Chuck Levine: [to Asian Minister] That's how we roll in our house, baby.
[as Larry introduces himself to Kevin]
Larry Valentine: Larry - Chuck's better half.
Chuck Levine: Two-thirds, actually.
Chuck Levine: [after slapping Larry in the face at the alter]
Asian Minister: Do you do me...?
Chuck Levine: Oh you couldn't handle it little man.
Asian Minister: Hai.
Larry Valentine: [Enters the firefighters' common room, holding the petition that they had all signed asking the captain to transfer out Chuck and Larry. He addresses the fourteen firefighters in the room] Hey, fellas! Hey, heard you guys have been circulating a petition. You mind if I take a look at it? Oh, what do you now, I got it right here. It's impressive, a lot of names! Let's go down the list, see who we got here. Nootzie! Hey, remember that time Chuck and I ran back into that textile plant and dragged your limp body out? Even though Chuck's leg was broken like in three different places. Man, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh? Wow! Renaldo! Man, I remember your first day on the job. Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself? And Chuck and I, we snuck you back in here, we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out. You begged us not tell anyone. And did we? Let's ask. You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands?
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing while eating a big bowl of potato chips] No, but it's hilarious.
Larry Valentine: Yeah, it is hilarious. Tony! Nice signature. Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out or keep your wife from leaving you again.
Fred G. Duncan: [laughing] Again!
Larry Valentine: I guess Chuck's not a enough of a man to work next to work next to big *strong* heroes like you guys.
[Fire station bell starts ringing]
Larry Valentine: Oh look at that, a fire, well I hope it's not a bad one - because the *faggot* who's been saving your sorry asses is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go.
[Slides down the firepole]
Larry Valentine: [as he serves his children dinner] Bolognaise.
Teresa: Looks more like Bowl of Shit.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: [in Captain's office] And you
[looks at Chuck disgusted]
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: if my pencil sharpener had a skirt I would have to hide it!
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: Whenever, whatever. That's the code.
Crazy Homeless Man: [while giving a toast at Chuck and Larry's wedding ceremony] Elizabeth Taylor... is bigfoot!
Chuck Levine: [while moving his stuff in with Larry, to Teresa] Hey, Big Ragu! I smell your feet from here. I like it.
Teresa: [to herself] Oh... He thinks my feet stink.
Teresa: [sniffs her own armpit] Now that's a stink.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: If these two men are gay then I'm a one-legged parrot. Anybody see me with a crutch and a cracker?
[furious Alex shows Chuck and Larry the newspaper headline "I slept with Mr. February"]
Alex McDonough: [to Chuck] Look at this: sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you over the last year and a half!
Larry Valentine: [sarcastically] Just sixteen? Thank God the five hundred other ones couldn't read or write.
Larry Valentine: [Takes hot sauce out of the microwave, pours it on noodles and adds 3 burger patties] Bolognese!
Teresa: Looks more like bowl of shit.
Larry Valentine: Thanks for all your help, Teresa.
Eric Valentine: [Shows Chuck a porn magazine] Uncle Chuck, you left this in the kitchen.
Larry Valentine: Hey, don't you look at that!
Chuck Levine: Actually, you know what, give me that, maybe he should look at it
Larry Valentine: Stop it, Chuck.
Chuck Levine: It's an experiment, seriously. Eric, see how this makes you feel. Open it up.
[Eric opens the magazine, screams, drops it and runs away]
Chuck Levine: Alright, that didn't go well.
Mailman: I heard you mentioned to the gentleman that you thought I was a hottie.
Larry Valentine: Oh, yeah, you know, sorry if I came off a little weird.
Mailman: No, no, no, there's nothing to worry about, sir. I don't bite. Listen, just so you know, if you're ever home alone in the afternoons, I make drop-offs and I always deliver.
Larry Valentine: You know, I am pretty loyal to Chuck.
Mailman: Right, I understand, I'm just saying if you ever wanna explore other feelings, there's no extra postage, and it's always first class.
Larry Valentine: Alright, Anything else you feel you need to say there?
Mailman: I handle with care.
Larry Valentine: Ok Ron, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Mailman: I'd be happy to come in through the back door.
Larry Valentine: I'm sure you would.
[Shuts door in Ron's face]
Mailman: I'm used to holding large packages.
Larry Valentine: What I'm talking about is no more involved than co-signing a loan, or joining a gym.
Larry Valentine: Look, this is the only way I can keep doing what I do and make sure my kids are protected.
Chuck Levine: Larry, look at us, we're not gay! But if we were gay, don't you think I'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? I'm Mr February, for God's sake. It would be like the Prom King fooling around with a tuba player.
Larry Valentine: Oh great, I play tuba.
Chuck Levine: Larry, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. I still want to be friends.