Chuck Levine: Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes, I was faking it.
Larry Valentine: You're a monster!
Chuck Levine: What do you got?
Larry Valentine: Maxi Pads.
Chuck Levine: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!
Asian Minister: Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.
Kevin McDonough: Hey, apple dumpling, what's crack-a-lacking?
Larry Valentine: Domestic partnership.
Chuck Levine: Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots?
Larry Valentine: No, I mean yea but, no, not us. Obviously. Just on paper.
Chuck Levine: Paper faggots?
Larry Valentine: Well, the accepted vernacular is gay... but yes.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.
Chuck Levine: Going in alive.
Larry Valentine: Coming out the same way.
Phone Operator: What is your name?
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating!
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, *"Wheeew!"*
Crazy Homeless Man: [At Chuck and Larry's wedding] There's a microphone in the cake!
Crazy Homeless Man: [knocks top off cake] They moved it.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: Gentlemen, I have a very simple policy. What you shove up your ass is your own business.
Larry Valentine: [while Chuck and Larry are being interviewed separately] The worst day we ever had on the job?
Chuck Levine: This little kid fell in a swimming pool...
Larry Valentine: Chuck was the first one there...
Chuck Levine: I dove in...
Larry Valentine: He pulled him out...
Chuck Levine: I worked on him...
Larry Valentine: worked on him, worked on him, but...
Chuck Levine: Larry stayed with me all that night. I just couldn't get... couldn't get that kid outta my head.
Larry Valentine: When my wife died.
Chuck Levine: Ah, that was the worst.
Larry Valentine: I collapsed.
Chuck Levine: He knew it was coming but...
Larry Valentine: What we have is beyond friendship.
Chuck Levine: He's the best man I know.
Larry Valentine: I'd do anything for him.
Chuck Levine: I love him.
Larry Valentine: I love him.
Chuck Levine: Going in straight.
Larry Valentine: Coming out... gay?
Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.
Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.
Alex McDonough: You know, Larry's heavy set. Is that the kind of guy you've always been attracted to?
Chuck Levine: Ah no, he's my first fattie.
Alex McDonough: You guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Chuck Levine: I float his boat and he sinks mine.
Chuck Levine: [after slapping Larry in the face at the alter]
Asian Minister: Do you do me...?
Chuck Levine: Oh you couldn't handle it little man.
Asian Minister: Hai.
Chuck Levine: The only thing I'm doing with my eyes is putting a bag over your head, you toothless moron!
Chuck Levine: Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: You guys are gonna be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory!
Kevin McDonough: I'm sorry sir. He sucks, you're cool, I'm gay, I'm out.
[sits down again]
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: [in Captain's office] And you
[looks at Chuck disgusted]
Captain Phineas J. Tucker: if my pencil sharpener had a skirt I would have to hide it!
Crazy Homeless Man: [while giving a toast at Chuck and Larry's wedding ceremony] Elizabeth Taylor... is bigfoot!
Asian Minister: Civil or religious?
Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.
Jerky Boy: Mr. Valentine, you said you're a fireman.
Larry Valentine: Yes, that is correct.
Jerky Boy: Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.
Bernie: How's my mom?
Chuck Levine: [referring to Bernie's obesity] She survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down.
Larry Valentine: [as he serves his children dinner] Bolognaise.
Teresa: Looks more like Bowl of Shit.
[as Larry leans in to kiss him at their wedding, Chuck smacks him hard across the face]
Chuck Levine: [to Asian Minister] That's how we roll in our house, baby.
[as Larry introduces himself to Kevin]
Larry Valentine: Larry - Chuck's better half.
Chuck Levine: Two-thirds, actually.
Chuck Levine: [while moving his stuff in with Larry, to Teresa] Hey! Big Rago. I smell your feet from here. I like it.
Teresa: [to herself] Oh... He thinks my feet stink.
Teresa: [sniffs her own armpit] Now that's a stink.