Dave: [confronting the staff] Nobody has to tell me anything because... I was hiding under the desk the whole time!
[the staff is upset at Dave's eavesdropping. Jimmy steps in]
Jimmy: Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...
Jimmy: Dave, you were under the desk the whole time? You didn't tell me that.
Dave: Well, it was kind of unintentional, sir.
Jimmy: Oh, I see, right. Now, look, people, it doesn't matter whether...
Jimmy: Actually, y'know what, this is all pretty pathetic. I'm gonna have to distance myself from you. I'll see ya, Dave.
Jimmy: You're the boss, you're supposed to be thick-skinned.
Dave: I am plenty thick-skinned.
Jimmy: Come on, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out.
[Mr. James lays his hand over a lit candle]
Dave: Sir, you don't have to impress me.
Jimmy: Wanna know the secret?
Dave: Wild guess... Thick skin?
Jimmy: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it fifteen, sixteen times, it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.
Beth: Presenting "Dave the Insane Maniac," a play in one act, by Beth and Bill.
[Bill walks in on his knees, holding a coffee mug]
Beth: Hello, Dave.
Bill: [High-pitched voice] Hello, employee. You look miserable and oppressed.
Beth: I am. We can't take taxicabs home anymore.
Bill: Excelent! That's good news to me. You see, I'm from Wis-cahn-sin, where taxicabs are feared and hunted for the delicious meat under their hoods.
Bill: Or tragedy?
Jimmy: Hey, Mike! Mike Eisner! That's Mike Eisner. Great guy, great guy. Got skin like a rhino.
Dave: I think that's Mike Ovitz.
Jimmy: Doesn't matter. They're all the same.
Joe: Did Thomas Edison give up?
Bill: Thomas Edison wasn't trying to invent something that was readily available in a wide variety of stores near his home.
Joe: I never touch any of that mass-produced crap.
Dave: Well, that's very neo-Luddite of you.
Joe: Well, that's very neo-unnecessary-big-word of you.
Joe: Hey, Lisa, tell us the truth. Dave buys his suits at the little boys' department, doesn't he?
Matthew Brock: [after Bill scares him and he almost spills his coffee] Nice try, Bill, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to...
Beth: Matthew, do you have the time?
Matthew Brock: Yeah, it's...
[Looks at his watch, accidentally spilling his coffee all over his shirt]
Lisa Miller: I thought I smelled Dave's burning flesh. This is new, having the bitch session in the office of the bitchee.
Matthew Brock: It's more exciting because it's taboo.
Jimmy: Say, is your mom still married to that guy?
Dave: You mean my dad?
Dave: I'm afraid so, sir.
Jimmy: Well, if she ever changes her mind...
Lisa Miller: Anyway, I think Dave looks cute in that suit.
Beth: Oh yeah, almost just like a real grown-up.
Lisa Miller: No, he really does. He looks like he just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell painting... First Day At Bible College.
Lisa Miller: [to Dave, who is lying prone on his desk] Are you OK?
Dave: Yeah, fine. I'm just resting up for that big sale at... Baby Gap.
Dave: Is that what girlfriends do?
Lisa Miller: Well, I said you, you looked cute.
Dave: I just keep trying to figure out in my head, I mean, does she really love me, or is it just the thrill of possibly being picked up on charges of corrupting a minor?
Dave: [to the staff] You know what? I was a little concerned that I was coming off as, I don't know, an insane Norman Rockwell bible school boy maniac.