Matt Albie: How did it know?
Danny Tripp: How did it know what?
Matt Albie: Exactly how much time was left in the week?
Danny Tripp: Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've invented an electronic device that can count backwards from seven.
Matt Albie: But it was off.
Danny Tripp: It has a battery.
Matt Albie: [in horror] So it always knows?
Danny Tripp: Don't endow the thing with special powers, Matt - it's a clock.
[Jerry tells Wes to cut a sketch]
Wes Mendell: Who's it gonna offend, huh? Tell me.
Jerry Jones: Wes...
Wes Mendell: Just give me the names.
Jerry Jones: People who, religious people. God, Wes, and you knew that when you
- What do you want me to say to the fifty million people who are gonna go out of their minds as soon as it airs?
Wes Mendell: First of all you tell them that we average nine million households, so that's at least 41 million who are full of crap. And the second, you can tell them that living where there's free speech means sometimes you get offended.
Danny Tripp: What are you smiling about?
Matt Albie: Nice studio. It's a great studio with an incredible history. The people who've had this stage...
Danny Tripp: You like it?
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Danny Tripp: Good, 'cause we live here now.
Wes Mendell: This show used to be cutting-edge political and social satire, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy-assed broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We were about to do a sketch you've seen already about five hundred times. Yeah, no one is going to confuse George Bush with George Plimpton. We get it. We're all being lobotomized by this country's most influential industry! It's just thrown in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't include the courting of twelve-year-old boys. Not even the smart twelve-year-olds - the stupid ones! The idiots - of which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network! So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off the TV. Do it right now. Go ahead.
[in the control booth]
Jerry: Get the camera off of him!
Cal Shanley: And put it on what?
Jerry: Cut the boom mike then!
Cal Shanley: It's his show! I take my instructions from him!
Wes Mendell: [Wes is still talking] ... struggle between art and commerce. Well there's always been a struggle between art and commerce, and now I'm telling you, art is getting it's ass kicked, and it's making us mean, and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks - that's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump?
Jerry: Are you bleeping this out?
Tech: He hasn't said anything you're not allowed to say.
Jerry: He's telling people to change the channel!
Cal Shanley: I don't think you have to worry about anybody changing the channel right now.
Jerry: Get him off or you don't have a job tomorrow!
Cal Shanley: I'm running a live national broadcast right, can you threaten me later?
Matt Albie: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack Rudolph: [long pause] ... He failed a drug test?
Jordan McDeere: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt Albie: [to Danny] Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: [to everyone] Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now, but legitimately. I had back surgery Tuesday. L5 S1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? Yeah, you bet.
Suzanne: We're blowing off 4-A.
Lilly: You're kidding.
Lilly: It killed at Dress. It was smart!
Cal Shanley: It never had a chance. What are we filling with?
Suzanne: 'Peripheral Vision Man.'
Cal Shanley: Ricky and Ron are just going to keep writing that one until somebody laughs, huh? What was the time on 4-A?
Cal Shanley: What's the time on 'Peripheral Vision Man'?
Cal Shanley: All right, tell the writer's room they're going to have to strecth it another twenty-five seconds, and I'm sure that making it longer was the missing ingredient in making it funny.
Danny Tripp: Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I was...
Matt Albie: Forget that. But it's going to be our show now, and only one of use can screw up at a time. And I think we both know that most of the time it's going to be me. You're the big shoulders.
Danny Tripp: I hear you.
Matt Albie: Good. Because I don't remember what I just said.
Danny Tripp: I do.
Harriet Hayes: First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot.
Matt Albie: Actually, the consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot.
Harriet Hayes: Well, be that as it may and truer words were never spoke, please stop it.
Harriet Hayes: You know what, rook? When you start making a contribution to this show, you can talk to me any way you want. But you had two lines tonight and you stepped on one of them. So until you either accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or make somebody laugh, why don't you talk to somebody else?
Matt Albie: Okay, look, wait. I'll bond you.
Danny Tripp: What?
Matt Albie: I'll pay for the bond!
Danny Tripp: How much money do you have?
Matt Albie: Well... with my savings, and investments, and my percentage of the first dollar gross in this movie... sixty-five dollars.
Danny Tripp: Vancouver doesn't look like anything. It doesn't even look like Vancouver. It looks like Boston, California.
Matt Albie: Are they swinging this thing in front of your face?
Danny Tripp: The point is, the new movie...
Matt Albie: Sons of bitches!
[takes off running]
- does not have to - Matt? Matt!
Cal Shanley: I faced off with Standards during a live broadcast, Harry. The guys I know who've done that feel lucky when they can get a job directing "Good Morning El Paso".
Wes Mendell: [going onstage in the middle of a sketch] Listen, fellas, we're going to stop that.
Tom Jeter: Did we lose the feed?
Wes Mendell: No, we're live. I want both of you to clear the stage - I don't want anyone to think that you were a part of this.
Wes Mendell: Clear the stage. Go on.
Cal Shanley: [Audience still laughing]
Wes Mendell: Uh, it's not going to be a very good show tonight. I think you should change the channel.
Cal Shanley: [in the control booth]
Lilly: What the hell?
Wes Mendell: Change the channel. Right now.
Control Room Assistant: When did they put this in?
Lilly: Does anyone know what the hell is going on?
Wes Mendell: Better yet, turn off the TV, okay?
Cal Shanley: [Audience laughs]
Wes Mendell: No, no, I know like it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow, tomorrow you're going to find out that it wasn't, and by that time I'll have been fired.
Wes Mendell: No, this - this is not supposed - this is not a sketch!
Cal Shanley: [over the radio] Uh, this is real.
Wes Mendell: We're eating worms for money. Who wants to screw my sister? Guys are getting killed in a war that's got theme music and a logo? That remote in your hands is a crack pipe. Oh, yeah, every once in a while we pretend to be appalled...
Jerry: [in the booth]
Cal Shanley: I'm waiting for him to say something that isn't true.
Jerry: Who else in here knows how to do this?
Cal Shanley: Don't talk to my control room!
Jerry: Get him off!
Lilly: [aside] You have two kids in school.
Cal Shanley: What?
Jerry: She said you have two kids in private school whose father is about five seconds away from never working again.
Wes Mendell: America's broadcasters have turned into pornographers. It's not even good pornography! It's just this side of snuff films. And friends, that's what's next.
Lilly: Cal, come on...
Wes Mendell: ...And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the mention of a boycot. These are the people they're afraid of...
Cal Shanley: All right, stand by...
- feckless, off-the-chocks greed-filled whorehouse...
Jerry: There is is!
- this thoroughly unpatriotic motherf...
Cal Shanley: Cut in now!
Harriet Hayes: What went on in the control room?
Cal Shanley: [sighs] We got word the sketch was cut. Next thing I knew Wes was up on stage, Standards blew into the room, and I waited 53 seconds before I pulled the plug.
Harriet Hayes: There had to be a lot of confusion - it's not like there are rules or procedures for this kind of thing.
Cal Shanley: No, there are strict rules and procedures for this kind of thing, I just didn't follow any of them.
Jack Rudolph: There's gonna be a press conference at noon on Monday announcing that you two are running "Studio 60". I know I can count on you to answer questions in a way that doesn't embarass the National Broadcasting System. Will that be hard for you?
Matt Albie: I wouldn't think it'd be hard for anybody, cause if you pointed a camera at two people masturbating it'd be among the least embarassing things on the National Broadcasting System. I'll tell Blair to start working on the deal.
Jordan McDeere: I've already got a dual masturbation show in active development, so...
Harriet Hayes: I was great, by the way. I got a standing ovation.
Matt Albie: Harry, I'm sure you were great, but it's the national anthem. They were standing already.
Matt Albie: Thanks, man. I miss her. I really do. I'm dying inside, and I appreciate your support.
Danny Tripp: Matt.
Matt Albie: Yeah?
Danny Tripp: Go up on the stage now.
Matt Albie: Why?
Danny Tripp: You just won.
Matt Albie: Really?
Danny Tripp: Yeah.
Matt Albie: Hey, that's great!
Cal Shanley: I'm sorry about Matt. I'm a big fan of his, and I like him a lot.
Harriet Hayes: I'm a big fan of his, and I hate his breathing guts.
Danny Tripp: [speaking about Jordan McDeere] You gotta give her style points.
Matt Albie: Yeah.
Danny Tripp: And you gotta ask yourself...
Matt Albie: What?
Danny Tripp: What if she's for real?
Matt Albie: [smiles] Yeah.
Danny Tripp: You left him on for 53 seconds.
Cal Shanley: Yeah
Danny Tripp: What the hell, Cal? You practice that. It's live air. Tell you what. I don't think it was an accident. I think you left him on.
Cal Shanley: I did. And you guys do what you gotta do here. There won't be any hard feelings.
Danny Tripp: We need you to stay.
Cal Shanley: [chuckles]
Danny Tripp: All right then.
Danny Tripp: Cal? If you'd left him on for 54 seconds, I'd have given you a raise.
Jordan McDeere: Well, there are gonna be some horny psycho-religious cults tonight.
Matt Albie: The winds started blowing hard in another direction and all of a sudden my jokes weren't so funny anymore. You put a flag over the network bug, god forbid you should just loose the bug altogether, and you pointed us towards the door.
Tom Jeter: [playing George W. Bush in a sketch] "Legacy" is a 480 SAT word which, as it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs.
Danny Tripp: They broke up.
Julie: Oh no! Why?
Danny Tripp: Because he couldn't stop himself from speaking.
Matt Albie: I was right, she was wrong, I'm all about the truth, partner.
Matt Albie: But it's gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we both know that most of the time, it's gonna be me. You're the big shoulders.
Danny Tripp: I hear you.
Matt Albie: Good, cause I don't remember what I just said.
Danny Tripp: I do.
Danny Tripp: Matt, you can get another director. You can get someone good.
Matt Albie: I don't want someone else. I want you.
Danny Tripp: The joke was "I don't want someone good, I want you."
Matt Albie: [after falling] Sorry. That was strange. I'm sorry.
Danny Tripp: You all right?
Matt Albie: Yeah. I'm on some medication right now that I guess makes me... not know where chairs are.
Danny Tripp: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan McDeere: Why?
Danny Tripp: You work in television.
Matt Albie: The woman I broke up with is a cast member and it would be awkward if I went to the party and... killed her in front of all those people.
Jack Rudolph: Do you think television is bad?
Danny Tripp: Why do you ask?
Jack Rudolph: Because that's what you'll be asked by the press.
Danny Tripp: No - I think "My Mother the Car" was bad. I think this is something else.