- Shopkeeper: [Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
- Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
- Homer: That's good.
- Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
- Homer: That's bad.
- Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
- Homer: That's good!
- Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
- [Homer looks puzzled]
- Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
- Homer: Can I go now?
- [Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
- Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
- [Homer kills Flanders by blasting him apart with a shotgun as Marge gasps in shock]
- Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
- Homer: He was a zombie?
- [after Homer runs, screaming and naked, through the kitchen]
- Patty Bouvier: There goes the last lingering threat of my heterosexuality.
- Homer Simpson: That doll tried to kill me!
- Bart Simpson: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?
- Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.
- Homer: [a la Alfred Hitchcock] Good eeevening.
- [normal voice]
- Homer: I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your TV now. Come on, I dare you!
- [imitates chicken]
- Homer: Buck-buck-buck-buck! Chicken!
- [screen winks out]
- [while fighting zombies]
- Barney: Wow, George Washington!
- Homer: Take that, Washington!
- [BLAM!]
- Homer: Eat lead, Einstein!
- [BLAM!]
- Homer: Show's over, Shakespeare!
- [clubs him to the ground]
- Zombie Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
- [a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]
- Ned Flanders: Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?
- Grampa: [gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!
- Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.
- Grampa: Too late.
- Marge: [to King Homer who is trying to climb the Empire State Building] You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
- King Homer: Uh-huh.
- Grampa: [after Homer botches his story] Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
- Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
- Grampa: THAT'S A LIE, AND YOU KNOW IT!
- [scene fades to black and white]
- Grampa: But I have seen a lot of movies...
- ["King Homer" title card]
- Homer: Do you sell toys?
- Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread... we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "frogurt"!
- Doll Repairman: [KrustyCo repairman checks the back of the Krusty doll] Yep. Here's your problem. Someone set this thing to evil.
- Marge: Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes I'll hold.
- Phone Recording: [to the song, Everybody Loves a Clown] Everybody loves a doll, so why don't you?
- Bart Simpson: Hey Homer, where's your present?
- Homer Simpson: D'ohh! I mean... D'ohhn't worry son, I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave...
- Grampa: Hey!