Captain Blackadder: I can't believe I've been so stupid.
Private Baldrick: Yeah, that is strange cause normally, I'm the stupid one.
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving something on a bullet, sir.
Captain Blackadder: What are you craving?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Captain Blackadder: Why?
Private Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes?
Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself...
Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example- is brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
Lieutenant George: Great Scott sir, you mean, you mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darned good British style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
Captain Blackadder: If you mean, "Are we all going to get killed?" Yes. Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
Captain Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
Private Baldrick: You know my dad was a nun.
Captain Blackadder: No he wasn't.
Private Baldrick: He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".
Lieutenant George: Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard's your uncle.
Captain Blackadder: In English we say, "Good Morning."
Lieutenant George: Look what I got for you sir.
Captain Blackadder: What?
Lieutenant George: It's the latest issue of "King & Country". Oh, damn inspiring stuff; the magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
Captain Blackadder: Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
Lieutenant George: Come, come, sir, now. You can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
Captain Blackadder: Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet-paper.
Captain Blackadder: Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant George: It's a good old service revolver.
Captain Blackadder: Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
Lieutenant George: That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.
Captain Blackadder: New ladders?
Lieutenant George: Yes, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled.
[calls to Baldrick]
Lieutenant George: Isn't that right men?
Private Baldrick: Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat.
Private Baldrick: Rat au Van, Sir.
Captain Blackadder: Rat au Van, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been
Private Baldrick: Yes Baldrick.
Lieutenant George: Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume, sir.
General Melchett: Permission granted.
Lieutenant George: [screams] Bravo!
General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.
Lieutenant George: Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Captain Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
[on the new plan to win the war]
General Melchett: There is, however, one small problem.
Captain Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds?
General Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
Captain Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion.
General Melchett: Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.
[George is asked why he didn't reveal his ability at painting before]
Lieutenant George: I don't like blowing my own trumpet.
Captain Blackadder: You might at least told us you had a trumpet.
General Melchett: [to Baldrick] Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?
Captain Blackadder: Permission to speak.
[Baldrick is silent]
Captain Blackadder: Answer the General, Baldrick!
Private Baldrick: [whispers] I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.
Captain Blackadder: What amazes me, Baldrick, is how you managed to get so much custard out of such a small cat.
Captain Blackadder: I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being with a degree from the university of life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me.
Capt. Kevin Darling: [Darling and Melchett are both eating a posh supper, which has actually been prepared by Baldrick] I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now.
General Melchett: Yes - God, I'd give anything to be out there with them, dodging the bullets instead of sitting here drinking this Chateau Lafite, and eating these filets mignons with sauce bearnaise!
[By lucky chance, Baldrick has mentioned all of these foods earlier!]
Capt. Kevin Darling: My thoughts exactly, sir. Damn this Chateau Lafite!
[He takes a nice, big, satisfied sip]
General Melchett: He's a very brave man, Blackadder, and, of course, that Lieutenant of his, George - Cambridge man, you know. His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
[He eats a filet mignon in sauce bearnaise]
General Melchett: Slightly unusual taste, this sauce bearnaise.
Capt. Kevin Darling: Yes, sir.
[His face shows it tastes vile]
Capt. Kevin Darling: And to be quite frank, sir, these mignons are a little, well...
General Melchett: What?
Capt. Kevin Darling: Well, dungy.
General Melchett: What on earth's wrong with that cook?
Capt. Kevin Darling: Well, sir, it's a rather strange story, sir.
General Melchett: Well? Tell, tell.
Capt. Kevin Darling: Well, sir, I received a phone call this morning from Pope Gregory IX, telling me that our cook had been selected for the English Cricket Team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.
General Melchett: Really?
Capt. Kevin Darling: Barely a moment later, the phone rang again. It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs, who happened to be in the area, offering their services. So, I had the quarter-master take them on at once.
General Melchett: [Melchett seems satisfied by this, and eats a bit of Plum Duff. He is repulsed by its taste and spits it out] Ah, Jumping Jerries! Are you sure these are real raisins in this Plum Duff?
Capt. Kevin Darling: Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir. Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives.
[Which is really cat's vomit!]