Joel: You know... there are certain flaws in this film.
Crow T. Robot: [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed uP GuM on yoUr pilLoW.
Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photo.
[shot of a burning torch]
Crow T. Robot: I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for you.
Joel: [watching the women wrestle in the desert in Manos the Hands of Fate] Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling
Tom Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
Joel: Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Tom Servo: Oh, hi Joel.
Joel: Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Tom Servo: Well, you look like Maude.
Tom Servo: Torgo, you're missing the fight. Put your dress on and get in there.
Joel: [the master slowly awakens] I can tell you my bladder's reaching critical mass.
Joel: [during Masters uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.
Joel: [the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]
Joel: [yells] Do something! God...
[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
TV's Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza; they were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
Dr. Forrester: Come in.
Torgo: [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos the hands of fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
TV's Frank: That's us.
Torgo: ThaT's $14.50, pLeaSe.
Dr. Forrester: Here!
Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: THat's all I have.
TV's Frank: I have a twenty.
Dr. Forrester: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
TV's Frank: I was saving it, you know...
Dr. Forrester: Would you please give him the twenty?
Torgo: ThAnK YoU... I'lL GeT YoUr ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, keep it!
Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR... LeT Me JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD...
TV's Frank: Hey, what about our pop?
Torgo: I... LeFt It In ThE CaR... I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
Dr. Forrester: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
Torgo: ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.
Margaret: Why don't we sing a song to pass the time?
Tom Servo: Let's sing something from Pearl Jam.
[Torgo is peeping at Margaret]
Joel: [to the 'bots] Alright you two, look away, this is nothing for your eyes!
Tom Servo: Why, is Torgo juggling?
Joel: Shame on you Dr. Forrester, have you no sense of decency?
Joel: Well... just in case you forgot, ladies and gentlemen... 'Manos': The Hands of Fate.
[in the instructional short film 'Hired'; the father is slapping at his own head]
Tom Servo: Gah! Flying elves are back!
Joel: [when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!
Tom Servo: [the Master grabs Torgo's hand and pulls it towards the fire] Oh, this is gonna be just like in 'The Grifters'!
Tom Servo: [Torgo's hand bursts into flame and is severed] Only worse.
Crow T. Robot: [the demon dog is staring at the camera] Could you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.
Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel: It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, the cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel: Oh, c'mon, look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: What do you mean?
Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly, and your eyebrows, they arc gently as opposed to jutting inward, and, well, frankly, Joel. you blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.
[during yet another driving scene in manos]
Tom Servo: So... so I told Gary that I was going on this vacation so he goes "well then I'm going hunting with Jeff next weekend." well that's when we were at Knives and then Lou sang 'Fernando' and then Gary oh he sings so good oh you should meet Jeff some time do you like Barry Manilow songs I know the farmers need rain but when it's damp like this my hair just explodes just ex-PAH-LO-des ooh ooh feeling kinda gassy McNuggets you know they make me so gassy all that grease and all it really helps if you drink eight-ten glasses of water a day did you know that sometimes I drink five sometimes I drink nine just to make up for the other three I didn't drink coffee and diet drinks don't count either you know this is pretty country isn't it you know it's really kind of a blessing in disguise that I didn't get accepted to college you know I'm going to have to revise my twenty-year plan but did I tell you about my 20-year plan okay well okay listen here in year one this is the year when I'm going to take off those extra seven pounds you know that's equal to seven pounds of butter haha so it's like I'm wearing seven pounds of butter ha and well uh oh where was I oh oh yeah so my aunt and uncle here they did celebrate their twentieth anniversary and my uncle wanted to sing 'Sunset Sunrise' and he wanted *me* to sing it and I haven't sung that since Cindy's wedding and well she never thanked me for that... well she's really busy and all.
Joel: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.
Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film, isn't it?
Joel: Oh, c'mon, the mads wouldn't do that to us. This is not going to be a snuff film, I guarantee you.
Crow T. Robot: [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.
Dr. Forrester: Dig this, mes-a-me. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you "Manos": the Hands of Fate!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, hi fellas. Look, I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya.
TV's Frank: [off-screen] Doctor, the caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
Dr. Forrester: Uh, fine, sure.
Dr. Forrester: Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him. So let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.
[a child comes home leading a devil dog]
Crow T. Robot: It's a devil and it's fun!
Tom Servo: His names Mephisto, can we keep him?
Margret: Wants me? What kind of talk is that.
Crow T. Robot: Why, it's oily, sleazy talk of course.
Tom Servo: [Seeing Torgo cornering Margret and stroking her hair] When Carnies flirt.
Joel: [the women wrestling scene in manos continues] You know, this is the alternate ending to Beaches.
The Master: If you persist in this foolishness...
Tom Servo: I'll take your credit cards
Torgo: You cannot stay - the master would not approve.
Tom Servo: Oh, what *does* the master approve, then?
Master's wife: Your powers fail you!
Crow T. Robot: You know what she's *really* saying.
The Master: Arise my wives...
Tom Servo: And iron my work shirt!
Crow T. Robot: [the master leans over and touches a stone] Stephanie bring me in some coffee and a pop tart.
The Master: You have failed and now you must die!
Joel: [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Joel: [as Torgo]
Tom Servo: I'm... going to have to ask... for my last paycheck... right now. Sir.
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo: What? What? Neh. Uh. What?
[Torgo is reaching uncomfortably up Margret's shoulder]
Tom Servo: [singing] I want a lover with a slow hand...
Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel: Let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful.
Margaret: Why don't we sing a song to help pass the time?
Margaret, Mike, Debbie: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Tom Servo: Yes, sing, damn it, sing!
[MST3K gang join in]
Crow T. Robot: [as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!
Boss: I remember the first thing Harry drilled into me...
Crow T. Robot: Was Harry.
TV's Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
TV's Frank: Coming, sir!
TV's Frank: I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.
[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank.
[steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!