Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.
Michael Scott: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Michael Scott: You know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done.
[Everyone looks around at each other]
Michael Scott: Very well, then you're all punished.
Pam Beesley: What's our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all in time-out. Just sit there quietly.
[Phyllis' phone rings and she starts to answer it]
Michael Scott: No, no.
Michael Scott: I am a big "Fear Factor" fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually. So this is sort of like my audition tape.
Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.
Creed: [walks into the office as everyone stares at Michael's awful smelling carpet] Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?
Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."