Mike: Rick, I don't wish to suggest your jokes are predictable, but there are as-of-yet undiscovered tribes in the heart of the Peruvian jungle who knew you were going to say that.
Vyvyan: I must be hallucinating. What's a good thing for a hangover?
Mike: Drinking heavily the night before.
Neil: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway.
Neil: You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Rick: Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Mike: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
Vyvyan: I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
Rick: What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
Rick: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
Neil: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Rick: Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
Rick: One things for sure, when Cliff Richard wrote 'wired for sound' no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory.
Jester Balowski: Excuse me, is this a cheese shop?
Salesman: No, sir.
Jester Balowski: Well that sketch's knackered then, innit?
Helen Mucus: How clumsy of me. It seems like I've done it again. What can I say?
Mike: How about, "Oh Mike, please put your hand up my skirt".
Knight of the Square Table: I'm a knight of the Square Table.
Mike: Square Table?
Knight of the Square Table: Well, you see, King Arthur didn't consider me cool and hip enough to be on the Round Table on account of some of my suits of armor have still got flares.
Mike: Well, you can't get sqaurer than that.
Neil: Shut up, Mike! Nothing wrong with flares.