Vyvyan: [Rick and Vyvyan are arguing over who gets which room in their new house] This is my room!
Rick: No, it's my room!
Vyvyan: [Dumps a bin liner full of his clothes on the bed] No! See? It must be my room, cause all my clothes are here!
Rick: [after picking the clothes up and throwing them up out the window] No they're not, Vyvyan!
[Vyvyan strikes a match and lights the bed on fire]
Rick: Oh, that's just perfect, now what are we going to do?
Neil: [Coming out of a room] Huh? Which one's mine?
[Sees flaming bed]
Neil: Oh no!
Neil: Hello Kitchen! Hello! My name's Neil but don't bother remembering it 'cause I'll probably be dead anyway.
[Two dishevelled, unshaved men are lying on a raft in the middle of the ocean]
Man #1: What was that?
Man #2: What?
Man #1: ...Nothing. My mind's beginning to play tricks on me. I thought we were lying on a raft just now.
Man #2: You should take it easy, you know. You must be working too hard.
[They're actually lying on a mattress in a dingy cellar lit by a bare bulb]
Man #2: Bloody hot, isn't it?
Man #1: It is.
Man #2: I should get a lower wattage bulb.
Man #1: Help! We're sinking! We're sinking!
Man #2: Relax. We're not sinking, we're not sinking. I'll get some fresh air in here.
[He opens the door, revealing endless ocean, and breathes deeply]
Man #2: Ah, that's better.
[He closes the door, then pauses]
Man #2: Uh...
Man #1: What's the matter?
Man #2: Nothing! Nothing. Can you swim at all?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: I was just wondering.
Man #1: Wondering?
Man #2: Yes, I was wondering if you might swim to the chemist and get me something for my hallucinations.
Man #1: Have you had one too?
Man #2: Either that, or the whole town is flooded.
Man #1: You're right. We've been working too hard. I haven't had a holiday for over a year now.
Man #2: What about this?
Man #1: What? This? A holiday? Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb?
Man #2: It was all I could get.
Mike: It's nice to have a front door.
Vyvyan: We had a front door in the last house.
Rick: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!
Rick: Why did you throw the toilet out of the window?
Vyvyan Basterd: To lower the rent.
Rick: Of course, stupid old me. Just one other thing, what are you talking about?
Vyvyan Basterd: Now we can go to the rent tribunal, you don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavvy.
Rick: Really... Well I don't believe you, I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!
Vyvyan Basterd: Look, is Neil going to make the supper or not?
Rick: I think you'd better ask him that have you, I'm a bit more interested in my bottom at the moment!
Vyvyan: I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.'
Rick: Im not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber johnny! Allright Neil, Shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike
Neil: [Despondently] Oh, uh. Okay Rick
Rick: What did you just say?
Rick: You just called me a Bastard didn't you!
[Vyvyan hits Rick in the crotch with a cricket bat because he interrupted Mike]
Rick: Ha, ha, jokes on you, missed both my legs.
Vyvyan: Neil! Are you gonna come down and make breakfast or am I have to going to kick your teeth in?
Vyvyan Basterd: This is revolting.
Rick: You know, it is amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water.
Vyvyan Basterd: Yeah. Glue.
Rick: What is that little white dot?
Neil Pye: It's a little white dot.
Rick: Oh very clever.
Neil Pye: Must be really old telly.
Rick: What, hippie?
Neil Pye: It's a sign, that little white dot. It means something really heavy. It means there's no more telly, it's time to go to bed.
Neil: I thought we all agreed that if we went to the laundrette we would take everyone's dirty gear? Let's look in the People's Charter. Right, here it is. No one, right, even if they've been eaten by wild dogs, right, will go to the launderette without first collecting everyone else's dirty gear.
Vyvyan: That's my clause!
Mike: Right, now clause 83?
Neil: Oh... except for Mike.
Alexei Balowski: My name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five Year Plan Sputnik Tractor Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
Vyvyan: Alright, Neil, I'm gonna give you three seconds to make supper... starting NOW!
Neil: Three seconds?
[Starts trying to make supper]
Vyvyan: [Moves towards the dinner table once] One.
[Moves towards the dinner table a second time]
Neil: [Gotten a couple pans] What do you fancy, Vyv?
Vyvyan: THREE! Where's my supper?
Mike: It's nice to have a front door.
Vyvyan: We had a front door at the LAST house.
Rick: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling. In the living room.
Mike: I used to be a cat burglar, y'know.
Neil: Oh, did you really? I didn't know that.
Mike: Oh yeah, yeah; I've got a Swiss bank account with 2,000 bloody cats in it.
Vyvyan: [Vyvyan shouts upstairs] Neil! NEIL! Let's not beat about the bush! Are you gonna make supper, or am I gonna kick your teeth in?