Drunk Vicar: Ashes to ashes...
Rick: [singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
[the vicar head butts Rick into the grave]
Rick: Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed?
Vyvyan: Because I'm not going to bed tonight.
Rick: What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight? How dare you not go to bed tonight! I go to all the trouble to board you up in your bedroom, and you don't even have the common decency to be in there!
Mrs. Smiley: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, they're alright, yeah.
Vyvyan: I still don't see why we had to dig the grave... and carry the coffin, and... and everything else.
Neil: Well we're actually the ones who're responsible for his being in this position in the first place.
Rick: Well you should've heard me and the undertakers Michael.
Rick: We made up all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my "stiffie."
Neil: Well, I thought we oughta have some sort of, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot; so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
Rick: You rented it, Neil, you rented it, and you still haven't paid.
Neil: Yeah, yeah. And I wrote something; "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and all. Still, things could've been worse; You could've been me, and ended-up having a really bad time all the time", signed, "Neil".
Mike: That's very touching, Neil.
Rick: Oh yes Vyvyan, when the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces. That's very Buddhist, isn't it?
Special Patrol Group: Ohhh, have we got a video?
Vyvyan: [exasperated, shouting] Yes! We've got a video!
Rick: Neil, the bathroom's free. Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.
Rick: Oh no, the front door's exploded!
Vyvyan: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!
Harry the Bastard: [the actors go out of character and use their normal voices] It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh? You know what I mean? I mean, all the way from the Transvaal by second class post to end up in a filthy, dirty, horrible toilet in a television studio! I mean, people think that telly's great, you know, they tell me all the time that it must be great, but it's not. It's dead boring. And that lot, I mean, they're all dull as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
Vyvyan: I hate him.
Neil: He drinks like a fish.
Rick: Yes, he's got no talent.
Mike: Alexei who?
Harry the Bastard: But you see, the worst thing about television is, you see, I'm a Marxist comedian, you know, but em, since I've been doing television, a lot of me Marxist friends have accused me of selling out, you know. Like they make me march at the back on demos. They're all selling the Socialist Worker, and I've got to sell the TV Times. So I'd just like to take this opportunity, on national television, to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have NOT sold out! Anyway round about now, I usually have a Pot Noodle! It's tasty. Ummm! Doesn't that look good! It's a tasty delicious little snack! Ummmm! Let's try some, shall we? Doesn't that look absolutely yumscious! Ohhhh! Let's try some, shall we?