While investigating a series of bizarre nocturnal exsanguinations in
the sleepy town of Chaney, Texas, about 50 miles south of Dallas, Fox Mulder pounded a stake into the heart of a teenage boy
wearing fake vampire fangs. The young man's family is now sueing the FBI
for $446 million, and Mulder and Dana Scully are being brought
before FBI Director Walter Skinner to tell their versions of what
happened. Prior to making their reports, Mulder and Scully tell their
versions to each other.
Scully goes first.
Six cows and one human were found dead with two puncture wounds on
their necks and the blood taken from their bodies in what Mulder called
classic vampirism whereas Scully suspected either ritual blood-letting or
hematodipsia, a psychological condition in which someone obtains erotic
satisfaction by consuming human blood. While viewing the body of the human
victim at the Peaceful Slumbers Funeral Home (which has a lot of caskets
for a town of 361), they met the local sheriff, Lucius Hartwell [Luke Wilson], a tall,
dark-haired, handsome hunk that had Scully drooling. That's when Mulder
noticed that the victim's shoelaces were untied. He asked the sheriff to
take him to the local cemetery and ordered Scully to stay and conduct an
autopsy.
The autopsy showed a healthy male, whose last meal was pizza. The
only thing out of the ordinary was chloral hydrate ("knock out drops")
found on toxicology screen. After completing the autopsy, Scully checked
into a motel, ordered a pizza, put two quarters into the Magic Fingers bed
vibrator, and tried to relax. Not more than a minute later, Mulder walked
in with the news that they have a new body requiring that Scully do
another autopsy. As Scully left, the pizza arrived. Hungry and tired,
Scully performed the autopsy, during which she got a call from a heavy
breather. The autopsy showed the same findings...a healthy male whose last
meal was pizza and who showed chloral hydrate on the toxicology screen.
Suddenly, it all clicked. The chloral hydrate is in the pizza, she
realized and then remembered that Mulder was eating her pizza. Scully
hurried back to the motel where she found the pizza delivery boy leaning
over Mulder, who was passed out on the floor. Scully fired a few shots,
but she missed and pizzaboy ran away. Scully followed. Unbeknownst to her,
Mulder also ran after pizzaboy, catching up to him first. Scully arrived
just in time to see Mulder pounding in the stake, afterwhich Scully
removed pizzaboy's fake fangs.
Mulder scoffs at Scully's description of the events and proceeds to
tell his version.
Six cows and one human were found with two puncture wounds on their
necks and the blood taken from their bodies in what Mulder thinks was
either a vampire or a vampirelike killing, which Scully didn't buy, of
course. While viewing the body of the human victim at the Peaceful
Slumbers Funeral Home, they met the local sheriff, Lucius Hartwell, a
tall, dark-haired, buck-toothed hillbilly that had Scully drooling. That's
when Mulder noticed that the victim's shoelaces were untied. He asked the
sheriff to take him to the local cemetery and ordered Scully to stay and
conduct an autopsy.
Mulder scouted around the cemetery, looking for signs of overturned
graves or sounds of manducation (chewing), but all that happened was that
the local pizza deliveryboy, Ronnie Strickland [Patrick Renna], drove by and waved to
them. Mulder staked out the cemetery and sprinkled sunflower seeds about
to distract the vampire should s/he show up, but a call came through on
the sheriff's radio about a "situation" at the Rolling Acres RV Park, so
they drove over to investigate. What they found was a runaway RV with a
body inside, same as the rest -- exsanguinated, two puncture wounds on the
neck, and shoelaces untied.
When Mulder returned to the motel room and heard that Scully's
autopsy had revealed chloral hydrate in the victim's system, he told her
that she'd have to do another autopsy. As Scully was leaving, the pizza
deliveryboy arrived with the pizza Scully had ordered. Mulder paid for it
and ate several pieces. Soon thereafter, he began to feel woozy. That's
when he noticed his shoelaces were untied and pieced it together. The
chloral hydrate was in the pizza. Mulder tried to call Scully, but all he
could do was moan into the phone. Just before he passed out, he saw the
pizzaboy coming into his room, his eyes glowing and his fangs sticking
out. Mulder managed to toss a bagful of sunflower seeds on the floor,
which angered vampire pizzaboy because he now had to stop and pick them
up. Mulder regained consciousness just as Ronnie was about to bite his
neck.
Suddenly, the door flew open, and Scully fired two bullets right into
Ronnie's chest, but it didn't phase him. Instead, he leapt across the room
and escaped into the woods. When Mulder had more fully recovered, he broke
down a chair to make a stake, chased Ronnie through the woods, and finally
staked him.
Back in Texas at the Dallas-Fort Worth Regional Pathology Lab, the
coroner is about to begin an autopsy on Ronnie Strickland. He pulls out
the stake and goes to tag it. Suddenly Ronnie sits up, gets off the table,
and attacks the coroner. When Skinner gets word of Ronnie's attack on the
coroner, he sends Scully and Mulder back to Texas. On the assumption that
Ronnie will return to the cemetery to sleep in his native soil, they stake
out the cemetery. However, the only one who shows is Sheriff Hartwell.
While Mulder goes off to talk with Ronnie's relatives at the RV park, the
sheriff shares his coffee with Scully and sits with her in the cemetery.
By the time that Scully notices she is getting woozy, the sheriff is
apologizing for Ronnie's behavior. "He's just not who we are anymore," he
explains as Scully passes out.
Meanwhile, Mulder has found the Stricklands' trailor at the RV park.
Looking inside, he finds Ronnie asleep in a coffin. He handcuffs the
coffin shut then notices the park residents are bearing down on him, their
eyes glowing green. He tries to repel them by fashioning two breadsticks
into a cross, but it doesn't work. Next thing Mulder knows, he is
awakening in the front seat of his car. Scully remembers only waking up in
the cemetery, but every RV in the park has disappeared.
"We were drugged," is all they can tell Skinner. [Original Synopsis by bj_kuehl.]
company.