Wonderfalls (TV Series)

Wound-up Penguin (2004)

Caroline Dhavernas: Jaye Tyler

Quotes 

• Jaye Tyler : I don't think there is a next move. Our moves are done. I mean, what more could we possibly do?

  Eric Gotts : Maybe this man in black is the one we should be trying to find.

  Jaye Tyler : I just think it'd be a little like looking for an Irish Johnny Cash in a...

  [as a customer approaches the counter, she sees he's dressed in all black] 

  Jaye Tyler : ...haystack.

  Father Joe Scofield : Excuse me.

  Jaye Tyler : Call you back.

• Aaron Tyler : God has to talk to people. How else would mankind know God's will?

  Jaye Tyler : That's a very good point. This is helping. Say more.

  [to Katrina] 

  Jaye Tyler : And you need to listen closely. He has a theology degree. Several, actually. How many do you need?

  Aaron Tyler : One more. Leave me alone. But just because a scripture says God's talking doesn't mean God's "talk" talking. People tend to take license with that detail. It's not always gonna be...

  [shaking an animal figurine] 

  Aaron Tyler : "Hello, Jaye."

  Jaye Tyler : Stop that.

  Aaron Tyler : Well, some folks believe that early man's gut instinct was God telling our ancestors to fight, flee, or f... fun have. Although, several prominent serial killers claim that God gave them very specific instructions.

  Sister Katrina : This isn't helping anymore.

  Jaye Tyler : [punching Aaron in the arm]  Why'd you got to the serial killer place?

• Eric Gotts : [trying to get information from an unhelpful train station ticket agent]  Okay, that went well.

  Jaye Tyler : We're, like, the worst detectives ever. I don't know what we expected him to tell us.

  Janitor : [mopping as they pass him]  He could've told you about the man in black.

  Jaye Tyler : What?

  Janitor : Let's just say you two aren't the first ones that have been sniffin' around here lookin' for that little girl.

  Eric Gotts : You remember her?

  Janitor : Oh, yeah. She slept on that bench three nights in a row. I'd watch over her, you know, a little, as much as I could, until he showed up, and she'd scurry out of here like a rat come daylight.

  Jaye Tyler : The man, do you remember what he looked like?

  Janitor : A strange-lookin' sort. Dressed in all black. I remember thinking that if Johnny Cash had been born an Irishman, his music would've been more lilting. Whoever he was, I hope you find her before he does.

• Jaye Tyler : What was all that "Leave me alone" screaming about? And you said "jackass".

  Sister Katrina : [giving her a handful of bills]  Here. Here. Take it. It's all I have. It was just a turkey club, for the love of God. You don't have to hunt a person down.

  Father Joe Scofield : You stole food?

  Sister Katrina : I'm not proud.

  Father Joe Scofield : How much was the club?

  Eric Gotts : It's not about sandwich money. We're trying to help her.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, missionary man. And where do you get off browbeating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.

  Father Joe Scofield : Sister Katrina isn't a prostitute.

  Jaye Tyler : Now I'm going to hell.

• Eric Gotts : I suppose we could try to find her, I guess. But she still owes for that turkey club, and the owner's only letting me stay here 'cause I work here and... oh. I get it.

  Jaye Tyler : You do?

  Eric Gotts : Even though I may only have a cot and large sacks of dried beans, I still have more than this woman does.

  Jaye Tyler : Did I say that?

  Eric Gotts : This poor woman might be in some kind of trouble. Now she's out there without her coat. Okay. Now you've made me feel guilty.

  Jaye Tyler : Right. Guilt.

  Eric Gotts : So you're saying we should track her down, get her her stuff back?

  Jaye Tyler : Right. No, wait. What are we doing?

  Eric Gotts : You know, a lot of people wouldn't have thought of that. They'd have just made sure the door was locked behind her. You're like... you're like a saint.

  Jaye Tyler : Well...

  Eric Gotts : So, what do we do?

  Jaye Tyler : [uncertain]  Uh...

  Eric Gotts : We know she's been to the train station.

  [holding up a ticket] 

  Eric Gotts : We could start there.

  Jaye Tyler : [hesitant]  We could do that.

• Sister Katrina : Let me go! I won't go back! I can't! Why can't you leave me alone?

  Eric Gotts : [bursting in and grabbing the man in black by the throat]  She said leave her alone! Now, how's about you listen?

  Sister Katrina : Don't hurt him. He's a priest.

  Eric Gotts : You're... a priest?

  Sister Katrina : Father Scofield.

  Jaye Tyler : [letting him go, Eric turns to her, mortified]  You're going to hell.

• Eric Gotts : [discovering a woman living in a barrel in the bar]  I remember seeing her in here a few nights back. She had the turkey club, extra-well-done fries and a side of cheese.

  Jaye Tyler : She had a side of cheese?

  Eric Gotts : Didn't even eat it. Just looked at it, then skipped out on her tab.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, didn't skip too far. I wonder how long she's been holed up in that barrel.

  [gasp] 

  Jaye Tyler : Maybe it's her crack barrel! Do you think she's in there free-basing?

  Eric Gotts : I don't see a pipe.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, either way, she's pretty resourceful for a homeless person.

  [sniffing a winter coat] 

  Jaye Tyler : Clean, too.

  Eric Gotts : Do you think she's a tourist?

  Jaye Tyler : Came to Niagara to see the falls and ended up taking a fall.

  Eric Gotts : All it takes is one bad day. Should we call the police?

  Jaye Tyler : Nah. Just toss her crap in the lost and found. Except the coat. We should probably just, you know...

  Muse : [speaking through a wind-up penguin toy]  Bring her back.

  Jaye Tyler : Bring her back?

  Eric Gotts : Bring her back?

  Muse : Bring her back.

  Jaye Tyler : No! Well, I mean, why?

  Eric Gotts : I don't know. It's your idea.

  Jaye Tyler : It's not my idea.

  Eric Gotts : It wasn't you?

  Jaye Tyler : It wasn't a suggestion.

  Eric Gotts : It wasn't?

• Eric Gotts : You're a nun?

  Sister Katrina : Not anymore. I'm not going back there. I can't. I can't.

  Jaye Tyler : Back where?

  Sister Katrina : The convent.

  Jaye Tyler : Why not? Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did. I bet he "Agnes of God"-ed all over her.

  Father Joe Scofield : Would you shut up?

• Jaye Tyler : [Katrina stares at a plate of chili cheese fries]  Are you praying? Did they give you food shame at the convent?

  Sister Katrina : The food was glorious. Sister Suzanne took cuisines of the Americas.

  Eric Gotts : Maybe now is a good time to come up with a plan. Can you type?

  Sister Katrina : No.

  Jaye Tyler : So, is Sister Suzanne mean?

  Sister Katrina : She's a lovely person.

  Jaye Tyler : I always picture nuns being mean.

  Eric Gotts : I do, too. And I don't know why.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, it's probably because they...

  [turning attention back to Katrina] 

  Jaye Tyler : Although you seem nice. Did the mean nuns pick on you?

  Sister Katrina : No, nobody picked on me. It was a sisterhood. We all took the same vows. I loved the convent. We grew alfalfa in the fields.

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : If you were so happy with the sisters in the field, why'd you leave?

  Sister Katrina : It was... the cheese. The cheese was my undoing. This is the miracle of life melted over these chili fries. A bacterial flirtation with enzymes. The comingling of friendly microorganisms giving birth to curds and whey. "And from dust, he created the universe."

  Jaye Tyler : The diary board must love you.

• Jaye Tyler : [the Muse's avatars sing "99 Bottles of Beer" off-key]  This is what cults do, you know. Deprive their converts of sleep so they'll be confused and vulnerable and more likely to do the stupid things you ask them to do. Like drink the Kool-Aid. Is that what you're working up to? Oh, God! But you couldn't off me, 'cause then I wouldn't be around to do your bidding, right? Is there some sort of leader I could speak with? Leader? Hello? Anyone wanna let me in on the plan? 'Cause I'm assuming there's a plan, a reason for all this. Anyone? Fine. Don't reveal yourself. Just keep singing. Keep me...

  [a thought strikes her] 

  Jaye Tyler : Ooh. Beer.

• Karen Tyler : [learning Katrina was a nun]  Is this about your 'sode? Are you seeking counsel in the church?

  Jaye Tyler : No.

  [getting an idea] 

  Jaye Tyler : Yes. Yes, it's about my 'sode and my stress issue. But thanks to God, I'm better every day, so you don't have to worry.

  Karen Tyler : That's wonderful, darling. You are aware nuns are Catholic?

• Father Joe Scofield : Sister, everyone's very worried about you. After 12 years, you don't just up and leave without explanation. What happened?

  Sister Katrina : It doesn't matter! I'm not going back!

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, you can't stay here.

  Eric Gotts : Why the hell not? You can't force her to go. She's standing there telling you she's not coming back. Now, to me, that means she's not coming back. So if the good sister wants to move on with her life, I suggest you stand aside and let her move on.

  Jaye Tyler : Amen.

• Sister Katrina : The microorganisms in this cheese... tell me God exists. This sack of meat that holds a soul tells me God exists. God himself, however, hasn't told me anything. Not really. Not definitively. And certainly not out loud.

  Jaye Tyler : You don't really want the "out loud" part, do you? I mean, it's gotta be upsetting. I'm sure of it.

  Sister Katrina : Not as upsetting as doubt. It's a sin to live in his house when doubt lives in your heart. And I know the exact moment it moved in. I was in the kitchen nibbling on the fresh pecorino Sister Louise brought back from Italy, and I thought, "What if it's just cheese? What if I'm just cheese? What if this sack of meat is just a bacterial flirtation, and my soul is only a comingling of friendly microorganisms?"

  Jaye Tyler : But God's your thing. I mean, you grew alfalfa and took a vow.

  Sister Katrina : But how am I supposed to commit my life to something I'm not sure is real?

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : To who?

  Sister Katrina : To me. He has to be real to me. He has to show me. Otherwise, I'm just praising the word of some phantom bully in the sky.

  Muse : Bring her back to him.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, "Him". With the big "H". I get it.

  Eric Gotts : Who did you think we were talking about?

• Eric Gotts : So, do you do this sort of thing a lot, going out of your way to help people you don't even know?

  Jaye Tyler : Uh... I wouldn't say "a lot".

  Eric Gotts : Me, either. Heidi wouldn't allow it. She always said I shouldn't open my mouth to strangers.

  Jaye Tyler : Ironic. You know, considering.

• Jaye Tyler : She has to go back. I know that guy I was with said whatever, but I really think this is best, and something tells me you do, too.

  Father Joe Scofield : Jeez, I don't know. Uh, is your little friend gonna beat me up?

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, he got excited there for a second, didn't he? But he doesn't have to know.

  [seeing he's packing] 

  Jaye Tyler : You're not leaving without her. You're not leaving her with me.

  Father Joe Scofield : Look, I'm not a parole officer. I can't drag her back kicking and screaming. It doesn't look good for the church.

  Jaye Tyler : But she wants to go back. She does. She's just had too much cheese. You see, it's all about doubt. We gotta squash that doubt. Would it help if she got re-baptized?

  Father Joe Scofield : It's holy water, not magic water.

  Jaye Tyler : What's the difference?

  Father Joe Scofield : One's faith, the other one is fantasy. And you're telling me Sister Katrina has lost her faith.

  Jaye Tyler : Not lost. Misplaced.

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, I can't find it for her.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, I can.

  Father Joe Scofield : [she grabs his suitcase]  What are you...

  Jaye Tyler : [trying to wrench it away]  I'll take that challenge.

  [breaking it from his grip] 

  Jaye Tyler : Just give me 24 hours, and I'll have her singing "Sweet Jesus" all the doo-dah day long. And you can bring her back to him. All three hims: Jesus, God, and... the other one.

• Jaye Tyler : [learning Eric sleeps in his bar's back room]  So, I like your new place. It has a certain... hobo charm.

  Eric Gotts : I don't know about charm, but it does have rats. The old expression about mice and "quiet as" doesn't apply to rats.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, just be grateful they're not keeping you up at night with incessant chatter.

  Jaye Tyler : [hearing a noise nearby]  I think they heard us talking about them.

• Jaye Tyler : May I help you?

  Father Joe Scofield : I see you have several public notices in your window. I wonder if you might add this one.

  [handing her a missing-persons flyer] 

  Father Joe Scofield : I'd be so grateful.

  Jaye Tyler : [cut to the bar]  And then he smiled.

  Eric Gotts : Ew!

  Jaye Tyler : Right?

  Eric Gotts : [giving the flyer a glance]  Katrina. That's her name.

  Jaye Tyler : No last name. She's a prostitute. And he's her pimp. Her goth pimp. She's trying to leave the lifestyle and he won't let her.

  [he dials the contact number] 

  Jaye Tyler : What are you doing?

  Eric Gotts : Calling Johnny.

• Jaye Tyler : Oh, thank God.

  Eric Gotts : What is it that bartenders say? You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I'm working on my timing.

  Jaye Tyler : Are you gonna say it to me, too? Please don't. 'Cause if you kick me out, I'll have to wander the streets 'til morning.

  Eric Gotts : We are kind of closed. But I'll see what I can do.

  Jaye Tyler : I can imbibe quickly if you need to go home.

  Eric Gotts : Funny thing about that.

  Jaye Tyler : [cut to a makeshift bedroom]  So, you live in the back room.

  Eric Gotts : Technically, it's where I sleep. I'm not sure where I live. Although I'm pretty sure I don't live in New Jersey anymore.

  Jaye Tyler : Weren't you staying in some honeymoon suite somewhere?

  Eric Gotts : Mm. Once they figured I wasn't gonna sue, they stopped comping my room.

  Jaye Tyler : You should absolutely go litigious on their asses. I mean, one of their employees ruined your marriage and, arguably, your life.

  Eric Gotts : Yeah, but if Heidi had stuck with the hospitality basket, or a more traditional definition of the term "room service", we'd both be back in New Jersey right now starting our married life together. One bad day and everything changes.

  Jaye Tyler : One bad 'sode, and not only does everything start changing, but everything starts talking to you.

  Eric Gotts : Huh. I don't get it.

  Jaye Tyler : I'm not sure I get it, either.

• Jaye Tyler : [in a vacant motel room adjacent to the man in black's]  I don't hear anything. Do you hear anything?

  [Eric shakes his head] 

  Jaye Tyler : What if we're too late? What if he's already beat her to death with a bag of oranges for withholding trick money?

  Eric Gotts : Well, if she had any trick money, I don't think she'd be living in a barrel. I know I wouldn't be.

  Jaye Tyler : Yes, but maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics. And come on. This place does have a certain pay-by-the-hour vibe.

  Eric Gotts : It's just a transient hotel for people who aren't sure whether they're coming or going. People that need hot plates and kitchenettes and all the other trappings of creative nonpermanence.

  Jaye Tyler : You sound like a brochure.

• Eric Gotts : I thought the priest was leaving town.

  Jaye Tyler : I asked him not to.

  Eric Gotts : I thought we were on the same page with this thing. Why would you do this? Why would you try to ambush her with the one person she doesn't want to see? I thought you were on my side.

  Jaye Tyler : I didn't ambush her. I'm doing a good thing here. Remember how much you like me when I do good things? She loves the nunnery. She told me she was really happy there.

  Eric Gotts : Was. *Was*. Past tense. Things change. People change. And when other people try to force people not to change, then the changing, which wasn't easy to begin with, just gets harder.

• Darrin Tyler : Here you are, sweetheart. Did your brother find you?

  Jaye Tyler : No, but he'll find me when he comes home. I'm sleeping here tonight. Or trying to, anyway. You didn't redecorate my room with a zoo-themed wallpaper, did you? Why are you all dressed up?

  Sharon Tyler : We're going to church.

  Jaye Tyler : Is it Christmas? 'Cause if it is, it snuck up on me, and nobody's getting anything.

• Jaye Tyler : I had a whole thing I was gonna say. I got it out of a fondue cookbook. Still wanna hear it?

  Sister Katrina : I don't need to. I know why God doesn't talk to me. He doesn't talk to anyone. He can't.

  Jaye Tyler : Sure, he can. He just doesn't wanna.

  Sister Katrina : No, he just doesn't exist.

  Jaye Tyler : So, do you not believe in anything anymore, or is it just... G-dash-D?

  Sister Katrina : Isn't G-dash-D supposed to be my everything? That's what I used to believe. And since I can't believe that, there's nothing to believe in.

  Jaye Tyler : Okay. Cone of silence? I believe in something. Sort of. And it does talk to me and may actually be God, but has never said so specifically.

  Sister Katrina : Well, what is it? What talks to you?

  Jaye Tyler : [pointing to the Muse's avatars]  They do.

  Sister Katrina : Go on, pull the other one. It plays "Ave Maria".

  Jaye Tyler : No, really. They tell me to do things. And if I don't, they sing and keep me up all night. And then eventually I do what they say. I don't even know what they are. However, I do know they talk. Or something talks through them. Either way, it's not pleasant.

  Sister Katrina : That doesn't sound like God. That sounds like the devil.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, good. 'Cause if you believe in the devil, you believe in God.

  Sister Katrina : But which one is it?

  Jaye Tyler : I don't know. They won't say.

  Sister Katrina : There's only one way to be sure. Cast it out.

  Jaye Tyler : Can we do that?

• Father Joe Scofield : [being asked to perform an exorcism]  Are you out of your mind?

  Jaye Tyler : I'm willing to try anything. I mean, she's willing to try anything to help me, which does help her with that one issue. It's a big circle of help.

  Sister Katrina : She's afflicted. Demons live inside of her. They talk to her and they tell her to do things. She needs our help to purge them.

  Jaye Tyler : Sadly, it's all true.

  Father Joe Scofield : I don't know what you're after here, but I don't do exorcisms. They're violent and dangerous and stupid.

  Jaye Tyler : Hey, Father, come on. Let's not discourage her. She's eager to do God's work. Please? I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.

  Sister Katrina : Do this with me, Father, and I will willingly and joyously return to the convent with you. God works in mysterious ways. You know that. Well, isn't it possible that the reason God never spoke to me is because he needed me to run away because he needed me to end up here because he needed you to follow me so you could use your expert knowledge to cast out demons from this poor girl's soul?

  Jaye Tyler : Amen, sister.

• Sister Katrina : Father, it's God's work.

  Father Joe Scofield : No, it is this woman's work.

  Sister Katrina : Yes, yes. God kept you here. He brought us here to perform his work for Jaye.

  Father Joe Scofield : Is that so? Katrina has been living in a nunnery these past 12 years. Please bear in mind that I have not.

  Jaye Tyler : What? Her faith is back and possibly better than ever. You should be thanking me.

  Father Joe Scofield : And what is it that you're hoping to get from us by way of thanks?

  Jaye Tyler : Well, since you mention it, there is one little thing.

  Father Joe Scofield : [loudly]  An exorcism?

  Jaye Tyler : [in a shushing tone]  I have to drink in here.

• Jaye Tyler : Just so we're clear, calling a girl the devil in front of the boy she likes, not the best way to keep a friend.

  Sister Katrina : You're not my friend. You're a liar. And so's the devil. I'm not friends with the devil. Or with liars. Devil!

  Jaye Tyler : I'm not a liar. Not in this instance, anyway.

  Sister Katrina : You bet Father Scofield you could restore my faith in 24 hours, and then you pretended to be my friend. Are you pentecostal? Are you trying to scare God into my dirty, sinful, hellbound, unsaved heart?

  Jaye Tyler : I didn't pretend to be your friend. I was forced to be your friend. Those are two very different things.

  Sister Katrina : You're horrible. You make up this story about demons talking to you through plastic animals when nothing talks to you, just like nothing talks to me.

  Jaye Tyler : I didn't make anything up.

  Muse : [through the wax lion on her car's dashboard]  Break the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : Ha! You see? It's talking to me right now.

  Sister Katrina : For God's sake.

  Jaye Tyler : Maybe. Maybe it is for God's sake.

  Muse : Break the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : Except it's telling me to break a taillight. Which is vandalism, which is the devil's work, which is why one little exorcism isn't too much to ask.

• Sister Katrina : Is this fun for you, torturing a wayward nun?

  Jaye Tyler : [sarcastic]  Oh, yeah. This is a laugh riot. This is where I would most like to be right now, standing in the freezing cold being called a liar by a nun...

  [her starts to roll forward] 

  Jaye Tyler : ...and coerced by a wax lion to commit crime. This is so much fun.

  [her car hits another car in front of it, breaking its taillight] 

  Jaye Tyler : Great.

  Sister Katrina : What just happened?

  Jaye Tyler : [to the wax lion]  You bastard! I can't afford my insurance premiums as it is.

  Sister Katrina : Your car, it broke the taillight.

  Jaye Tyler : I know. And since you and the priest aren't going to be helping me, the least you could do is not tell anyone.

• Sister Katrina : I like your monkey.

  Jaye Tyler : I stole it from my therapist's office.

  [setting a plate on the table] 

  Jaye Tyler : Cheese?

  Sister Katrina : This is insulting to both of us.

  Jaye Tyler : It's a pre-made snack platter.

• Sister Katrina : I'm sorry I called you a liar. You're not a liar, Jaye. You're a child of God.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, good. So you believe in God now?

  [Katrina nods] 

  Jaye Tyler : I brought you back to him? Big "H"?

  Sister Katrina : You most certainly did.

  Jaye Tyler : Huh. Well, smell me. Better than I thought I was.

  [Katrina knocks her out with a chloroform-soaked rag; later, waking from the stupor, Jaye finds herself tied down to her bed] 

  Sister Katrina : Don't you worry, Jaye. I know what I'm doin'. If we have to, we'll cut the devil out of you.

• Sister Katrina : [after being arrested]  They're letting me go. Father, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you.

  Father Joe Scofield : It's a girl.

  Sister Katrina : Huh?

  Jaye Tyler : He has a kid he didn't know about.

  Sister Katrina : But... h-how?

  Father Joe Scofield : In the usual way. I wasn't always a priest. In my life before, there was a woman... I had no idea. She was on the pill. She must have been looking for me all this time. They pulled me over, uh, for a broken taillight. When they ran my name... I'm a deadbeat dad.

• Sister Katrina : [performing an exorcism on Jaye]  Oh, heavenly father, guide my hand. Give me strength. Talk to me. Tell me what to do.

  Jaye Tyler : Here's what to do. Put down the knife. Untie me and put down the knife.

  Sister Katrina : No! You wanted this. You asked for it.

  Jaye Tyler : No, I didn't. Okay, I did. But I didn't think it would be like this. The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. But they aren't demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.

• Sister Katrina : I anoint thee with the oil of salvation, that thou mayest have life everlasting.

  Jaye Tyler : I should've listened to my mother. She told me you people were crazy.

• Sister Katrina : Do you believe in the holy spirit?

  Jaye Tyler : What are you gonna do with that knife?

  Sister Katrina : Do you believe in the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, and the remission of sins? Do you believe in the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting?

  Jaye Tyler : No! Yes! Can you repeat the second part?

• Sister Katrina : I exorcise thee, every unclean spirit, uh, in the name of God the Father almighty.

  Jaye Tyler : Katrina, untie me. Untie me now.

  Sister Katrina : Oh, I can't. You'll be flailing soon.

  Jaye Tyler : I don't want to flail. I don't want you to do whatever it is you're gonna do that's gonna make me flail.

  Sister Katrina : That's the demon talking. Jaye wanted this. Jaye, can you hear me? Be strong, Jaye! Be strong! He'll be gone soon!

  Jaye Tyler : HELP!

• Jaye Tyler : [at the police station]  Oh, my God! They called you?

  Father Joe Scofield : Excuse me?

  Jaye Tyler : I thought for sure you'd left town already.

  Father Joe Scofield : I was...

  Jaye Tyler : Well, don't worry. I'm not pressing charges. She was just confused. Plus, I did kind of encourage her to do it. And you were right, by the way. Exorcism? A very, very bad idea.

  Father Joe Scofield : I have a child I didn't know about.

  Jaye Tyler : Come again?