Wonderfalls (TV Series)

Wound-up Penguin (2004)

Aidan Devine: Father Joe Scofield

Quotes 

• Jaye Tyler : I don't think there is a next move. Our moves are done. I mean, what more could we possibly do?

  Eric Gotts : Maybe this man in black is the one we should be trying to find.

  Jaye Tyler : I just think it'd be a little like looking for an Irish Johnny Cash in a...

  [as a customer approaches the counter, she sees he's dressed in all black] 

  Jaye Tyler : ...haystack.

  Father Joe Scofield : Excuse me.

  Jaye Tyler : Call you back.

• Jaye Tyler : What was all that "Leave me alone" screaming about? And you said "jackass".

  Sister Katrina : [giving her a handful of bills]  Here. Here. Take it. It's all I have. It was just a turkey club, for the love of God. You don't have to hunt a person down.

  Father Joe Scofield : You stole food?

  Sister Katrina : I'm not proud.

  Father Joe Scofield : How much was the club?

  Eric Gotts : It's not about sandwich money. We're trying to help her.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, missionary man. And where do you get off browbeating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.

  Father Joe Scofield : Sister Katrina isn't a prostitute.

  Jaye Tyler : Now I'm going to hell.

• Eric Gotts : You're a nun?

  Sister Katrina : Not anymore. I'm not going back there. I can't. I can't.

  Jaye Tyler : Back where?

  Sister Katrina : The convent.

  Jaye Tyler : Why not? Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did. I bet he "Agnes of God"-ed all over her.

  Father Joe Scofield : Would you shut up?

• Father Joe Scofield : Sister, everyone's very worried about you. After 12 years, you don't just up and leave without explanation. What happened?

  Sister Katrina : It doesn't matter! I'm not going back!

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, you can't stay here.

  Eric Gotts : Why the hell not? You can't force her to go. She's standing there telling you she's not coming back. Now, to me, that means she's not coming back. So if the good sister wants to move on with her life, I suggest you stand aside and let her move on.

  Jaye Tyler : Amen.

• Jaye Tyler : She has to go back. I know that guy I was with said whatever, but I really think this is best, and something tells me you do, too.

  Father Joe Scofield : Jeez, I don't know. Uh, is your little friend gonna beat me up?

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, he got excited there for a second, didn't he? But he doesn't have to know.

  [seeing he's packing] 

  Jaye Tyler : You're not leaving without her. You're not leaving her with me.

  Father Joe Scofield : Look, I'm not a parole officer. I can't drag her back kicking and screaming. It doesn't look good for the church.

  Jaye Tyler : But she wants to go back. She does. She's just had too much cheese. You see, it's all about doubt. We gotta squash that doubt. Would it help if she got re-baptized?

  Father Joe Scofield : It's holy water, not magic water.

  Jaye Tyler : What's the difference?

  Father Joe Scofield : One's faith, the other one is fantasy. And you're telling me Sister Katrina has lost her faith.

  Jaye Tyler : Not lost. Misplaced.

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, I can't find it for her.

  Jaye Tyler : Well, I can.

  Father Joe Scofield : [she grabs his suitcase]  What are you...

  Jaye Tyler : [trying to wrench it away]  I'll take that challenge.

  [breaking it from his grip] 

  Jaye Tyler : Just give me 24 hours, and I'll have her singing "Sweet Jesus" all the doo-dah day long. And you can bring her back to him. All three hims: Jesus, God, and... the other one.

• Jaye Tyler : May I help you?

  Father Joe Scofield : I see you have several public notices in your window. I wonder if you might add this one.

  [handing her a missing-persons flyer] 

  Father Joe Scofield : I'd be so grateful.

  Jaye Tyler : [cut to the bar]  And then he smiled.

  Eric Gotts : Ew!

  Jaye Tyler : Right?

  Eric Gotts : [giving the flyer a glance]  Katrina. That's her name.

  Jaye Tyler : No last name. She's a prostitute. And he's her pimp. Her goth pimp. She's trying to leave the lifestyle and he won't let her.

  [he dials the contact number] 

  Jaye Tyler : What are you doing?

  Eric Gotts : Calling Johnny.

• Father Joe Scofield : People sin. People transgress. Especially in love. Hell, I transgressed indiscriminately before I was called by God. But God forgave me those transgressions.

  Eric Gotts : Y-You're telling me to forgive my wife?

  Father Joe Scofield : "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

  Eric Gotts : So I should go back to her?

  Father Joe Scofield : You can forgive someone and still choose not to be with them.

  Eric Gotts : It was a yes or no question.

  Father Joe Scofield : I don't have a yes or no answer.

• Father Joe Scofield : [being asked to perform an exorcism]  Are you out of your mind?

  Jaye Tyler : I'm willing to try anything. I mean, she's willing to try anything to help me, which does help her with that one issue. It's a big circle of help.

  Sister Katrina : She's afflicted. Demons live inside of her. They talk to her and they tell her to do things. She needs our help to purge them.

  Jaye Tyler : Sadly, it's all true.

  Father Joe Scofield : I don't know what you're after here, but I don't do exorcisms. They're violent and dangerous and stupid.

  Jaye Tyler : Hey, Father, come on. Let's not discourage her. She's eager to do God's work. Please? I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.

  Sister Katrina : Do this with me, Father, and I will willingly and joyously return to the convent with you. God works in mysterious ways. You know that. Well, isn't it possible that the reason God never spoke to me is because he needed me to run away because he needed me to end up here because he needed you to follow me so you could use your expert knowledge to cast out demons from this poor girl's soul?

  Jaye Tyler : Amen, sister.

• Eric Gotts : Someone took her dreams away. What was is no more. I mean, it's not like she wanted to end up sleeping in a barrel. Who would?

  Father Joe Scofield : Where did you say you sleep, again?

  Eric Gotts : Yes, but in a bed. And only 'cause my wife cheated on me and took all my dreams away. At least the ones that had to do with being married to her. And now what Heidi was is no more, so it doesn't even matter.

  Father Joe Scofield : Are you confessing something?

  Eric Gotts : I didn't kill her. I just left her. Lost faith in her. I lost faith in that whole other life, and I don't know if I want it back.

• Sister Katrina : Father, it's God's work.

  Father Joe Scofield : No, it is this woman's work.

  Sister Katrina : Yes, yes. God kept you here. He brought us here to perform his work for Jaye.

  Father Joe Scofield : Is that so? Katrina has been living in a nunnery these past 12 years. Please bear in mind that I have not.

  Jaye Tyler : What? Her faith is back and possibly better than ever. You should be thanking me.

  Father Joe Scofield : And what is it that you're hoping to get from us by way of thanks?

  Jaye Tyler : Well, since you mention it, there is one little thing.

  Father Joe Scofield : [loudly]  An exorcism?

  Jaye Tyler : [in a shushing tone]  I have to drink in here.

• Eric Gotts : Trying to force a nun back to the convent when she doesn't wanna go back to the convent is very unpriestly, even though it might sound priestly.

  Father Joe Scofield : [on the toilet in a stall]  I'm not in the business of forcing anyone to do anything. That seems to be your game.

  Eric Gotts : What's that supposed to mean?

  Father Joe Scofield : Well, for example, right now, by the nature of our geography, you're forcing me to have this conversation.

  Eric Gotts : You're forcing me to force you! Someone has to stand up for Katrina! I mean, what's wrong with a person needing a little time to figure out their life?

  Father Joe Scofield : Look, while you're figuring out whatever you're figuring out, could you hand me some toilet paper, please?

• Sister Katrina : [after being arrested]  They're letting me go. Father, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you.

  Father Joe Scofield : It's a girl.

  Sister Katrina : Huh?

  Jaye Tyler : He has a kid he didn't know about.

  Sister Katrina : But... h-how?

  Father Joe Scofield : In the usual way. I wasn't always a priest. In my life before, there was a woman... I had no idea. She was on the pill. She must have been looking for me all this time. They pulled me over, uh, for a broken taillight. When they ran my name... I'm a deadbeat dad.

• Jaye Tyler : [at the police station]  Oh, my God! They called you?

  Father Joe Scofield : Excuse me?

  Jaye Tyler : I thought for sure you'd left town already.

  Father Joe Scofield : I was...

  Jaye Tyler : Well, don't worry. I'm not pressing charges. She was just confused. Plus, I did kind of encourage her to do it. And you were right, by the way. Exorcism? A very, very bad idea.

  Father Joe Scofield : I have a child I didn't know about.

  Jaye Tyler : Come again?