Women of the House (TV Series)

Miss Sugarbaker Goes to Washington (1995)

Patricia Heaton: Natalie Hollingsworth

Photos 

Quotes 

• Natalie Hollingsworth : When we're dealing with the media, we have to be very, very careful. You see, Washington is the only town in America where the appearance of something is much more important than the reality. For instance, if you go into a public restroom and you come out too soon, you didn't wash your hands. If you stay in too long, you've molested someone. If you stay in there just the right amount of time, you're slick!

• Natalie Hollingsworth : There is no such thing as a little mistake in Washington. Even a tiny little thing can be made into a great big thing. I mean, it doesn't matter that George Bush was never mystified by a supermarket scanner or that Bill Clinton's haircut never held up any airplanes. All that matters is that it's repeated over and over again until it becomes fact and/or it sells enough newspapers and the retractions are printed on page 78. You tell her, Emerson, you're a reporter.

  Sissy Emerson : It's true, look at what they did to poor old Betty Ford. For 40 years they told the world that she was a cold, brittle, humorless woman, and then on the day they buried her, they stood atop her grave and said, "Oh by the way, she was really very warm and funny."

  Natalie Hollingsworth : That was Pat Nixon.

  Sissy Emerson : Oh, what's the difference?

  Natalie Hollingsworth : The difference is Pat Nixon is the one who died and Betty Ford is the one who has the clinic where you're going.

• [Natty walks in and finds Malone dusting] 

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Excuse me, is this Suzanne Sugarbaker's office?

  Jennifer Malone : Why yes, it is. However, I don't really work here. I'm just waiting to apply for a job. There wasn't anyone around and the place needed dusting. Luckily I carry a can of lemon Pledge in my purse for just these kinds of emergencies!

• Sissy Emerson : What time is this Sugarbaker person getting here, anyway?

  Jennifer Malone : Well I'm sure any minute now, she must be running late.

  Sissy Emerson : Oh, of course she's running late, everybody says she's stupid. Or she's a lesbian. I forget which, she's either stupid or she's a lesbian... or she killed a man. No, you know, maybe that was somebody else. You know how it is, so many rumors.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Yes, and so little time to check them all out.

• Natalie Hollingsworth : And by the way, Miss Sugarbaker, I just want you to know we were all absolutely devastated over your husband's untimely death.

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was, he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.

• Jennifer Malone : You know Miss Sugarbaker?

  Natalie Hollingsworth : No, I knew her husband. When I found out the old man died and that his big ol' dumb beauty queen wife was coming to fill his seat, I said, "Natalie, why wait until the body is cold? This is Washington and nobody else is going to. Get yourself over there and fill that vacuum; seize this chance to mold somebody in your own image, put America right again and kick a little butt!"

• Jennifer Malone : Somebody from the White House called and said the President wants you to go jogging with him.

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : I can't go, I don't jog.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Why not?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Because I'm very voluptuous! I mean, there's enough stuff going on just when I walk. If I JOG, I might take out a couple of Secret Service agents!

• Natalie Hollingsworth : If you go on Crossfire and they're gonna start asking you those questions like, oh - do you pay social security taxes on your maid?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Well, I just pay her cash. What she does with it is her own business.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Oh, please! Now that's gonna be in every paper in the country! Sapphire will tear you apart.

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : I don't think so, I don't think she even takes the paper.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Who are you talking about?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : I'm talking about my maid, Sapphire. Who are you talking about?

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Oh, I'm talking about Bill Sapphire, the columnist. You have a black maid named Sapphire?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Yes, I do.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Are you aware that that is a racial stereotype, like Amos 'n Andy?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Look, I can't help what it is. Sapphire's her damned name and she's too old to change it now!

• Suzanne Sugarbaker : We've got to return that "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" tape. We were looking at that the other night and that Jimmy Stewart is just as cute as a button!

  Sissy Emerson : Ha! Obviously you don't know that he used to whip those boys of his unmercifully.

  Jennifer Malone : I thought that was Bing Crosby.

  Sissy Emerson : Oh. Yeah, right. Oh then - oh, it was Jimmy Stewart that did not have any friends. Or maybe that was Martha Stewart.

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Yes sir, maybe that was Martha Washington!

  Sissy Emerson : She was a lesbian, right?

• Natalie Hollingsworth : Have you ever heard of The Donner Party?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : No. It doesn't mean I wasn't invited though, I get lots of invitations.

• Natalie Hollingsworth : The Donner Party was this group of settlers who traveled way out West and, well, they got all bogged down in the snow and the mountains. Anyway, the real horror of their story is not that they were forced to eat their dead friends and relatives, but rather that when they got back, the press said that they enjoyed it!

• Natalie Hollingsworth : There's at least 30 Congressmen calling for a full investigation and/or resignation, not to mention The Journal, The Times and The Post.

  Sissy Emerson : And don't forget, Penthouse wants to know if she has any wedding night videos.

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : Well, I'm sorry but I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee!

• Natalie Hollingsworth : Nobody tells the truth in Washington unless they're in an underground parking lot and terminally ill!

• Suzanne Sugarbaker : This is not scandal! I mean, look at that Prince Charles over in England. Now, I'm sorry but I think what he said is a whole lot worse than what I said!

  Natalie Hollingsworth : What are you talking about?

  Suzanne Sugarbaker : I'm just making a comparison, Natty. The man apparently told that Camilla Parker whatshername that he wants to be a tampon. Now I'm sorry, but I think once you've said something like that, you give up your right to be the King of England!

  Natalie Hollingsworth : Suzanne, you know since coming here you have, hmmm... diminished all women as sexual commodities, slandered homosexuals, insulted blacks and bragged about being rich. Now, while it is true that you did not express a desire to be a tampon, I fail to see how that's a cause for rejoicing or a negation of your other comments.