Brian Michael Hackett: Okay, let me just get this straight. You're worried because you're desperately attracted to this beautiful woman, and you think that she might want you too?
Antonio Scarpacci: Yes! Yes.
Brian Michael Hackett: Okay, okay. Well let me just put your mind at ease: when has this *ever* happened to you?
Antonio Scarpacci: Never.
Brian Michael Hackett: Exactly. See, you fall hopelessly in love with these women, they don't even know that you exist!
Antonio Scarpacci: [Hopeful] Wait a minute. I think you may be onto something here.
Brian Michael Hackett: You bet I am. I mean let's face it: when it comes to women, you're the strikeout king!
Antonio Scarpacci: I am!
Brian Michael Hackett: You have *zero* appeal!
Antonio Scarpacci: [Proudly] I really do.
Brian Michael Hackett: Who has a worse track record with women than you?
Antonio Scarpacci: Nobody!
Brian Michael Hackett: So what are the chances of her ever letting you *near* her?
Antonio Scarpacci: Bupkis!
Brian Michael Hackett: Exactly! So just relax, take a deep breath, and be yourself. Trust me: you'll have no problem keeping this woman away.
Antonio Scarpacci: You're right! You're right, I won't. I'm always selling myself short!
Brian Michael Hackett: Good for you, Antonio. For the first time in your life, you know what you want and you're ready to go for it.
Antonio Scarpacci: You're right! I am. So what if she's my cousin's fiancee?
Antonio Scarpacci: Oh, my God, what am I saying? I can't do this. He's family! I would never be able to show my face in my village again.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah, you got a point there, you know? It wouldn't be worth it. Better off just forgetting about her and... you'll meet somebody else.
Antonio Scarpacci: [talking himself back into it] Who are you kidding? I'll never meet anyone like Teresa. I'm not exactly the kind of guy women dream of.
Brian Michael Hackett: You sure aren't.
Antonio Scarpacci: Got a dead end job.
Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah, you're going nowhere.
Antonio Scarpacci: When a woman like Teresa comes along, you've *got* to go for it! 'Cause ain't no way I'll meet anyone like her again.
Brian Michael Hackett: Not in *your* lifetime.
Antonio Scarpacci: Brian, you're a real friend. Thanks so much for not believing in me.
Brian Michael Hackett: Hey, don't thank *me* Antonio. They're *your* shortcomings.
Brian Michael Hackett: Hey hey, so how was dinner last night, huh?
Antonio Scarpacci: Eh you know, Dominic, you know, he's changed a little.
Brian Michael Hackett: In what way?
Antonio Scarpacci: He's not exactly the humble sweet shoemaker he used to be. You know, he's uh... well he's...
Brian Michael Hackett: Euro-trash?
Antonio Scarpacci: Hey, it's my cousin your talking about. He's no Euro-trash. He's... it's just that he... he has no taste... he has no class... he has no socks.
Brian Michael Hackett: Antonio, what's going on here, huh?
Antonio Scarpacci: What's going on is that I'm starting to have thoughts for Teresa that you should not have for your cousin's fiancee. Some of them you shouldn't have for your *own* fiancee.
Antonio Scarpacci: What am I gonna do? I'm cooking dinner for her tonight in my apartment, we're gonna be all alone, I mean, who knows what could happen?
Brian Michael Hackett: Well, why do you think something would happen?
Antonio Scarpacci: Because, you know, I'm afraid I'm weak. I keep telling myself, "She's your cousin's fiancee, Antonio." But then I tell myself, "Shut up, Antonio! She's also the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."