Carlton Blanchard: What do you suppose they do with those little pieces of metal they punch out when they make a flute?
Carlton Blanchard: [after 23 hours of misunderstandings and $10,000, Carlton has beaten his estranged brother of 50 years at an airport in Wyoming] Well, I said all I had to say to that son of a bitch! What are you waiting for? Take off!
Brian Hackett: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't get it. You pay $10,000 and fly all this way just so you can beat your brother senseless?
Carlton Blanchard: Hell, no! I got my daddy's watch back, too!... wait a minute! This isn't Daddy's watch! And, come to think of it, Milford doesn't have red hair... maybe it *was* Las Cruces!
Brian Michael Hackett: [waving to an empty cornfield] So long, Shoeless Joe. Well, it's official: I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.
Lowell Mather: Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye. I'd say we're in Iowa.
Brian Michael Hackett: That's Oklahoma, you nimrod.
Lowell Mather: [looking at Brian's feet] Well, I may be a nimrod, but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies.
Joe Montgomery Hackett: [emerging from another section of the cornfield] Well, I couldn't find any signs of life. Any word from Antonio?
Lowell Mather: No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road. Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens? This is where it happens, you know: cornfields in Iowa!
Brian Michael Hackett: We're not in Iowa!
Lowell Mather: Oh right,*Stinky* thinks we're in Oklahoma!
Carlton Blanchard: Are we on the ground?
Brian Hackett: No, we crashed and died, and Heaven's really disappointing.
Lowell Mather: Hey, is that your brother standing over there?
Carlton Blanchard: Yep, that's Milford, all right. Oh, the years haven't been kind to him, have they?
Antonio Scarpacci: Guess he didn't drink from the Fountain of Youth, like you did.
Brian Hackett: We are now flying over Amish Country - phrases to avoid include "Yo Beardy!" and "Hey Mr. No-Buttons."
Carlton Blanchard: Hey, if a monkey were to bite ya, what kinda drugs would they make ya take?
Antonio Scarpacci: I don't know... maybe Joe knows...
Joe Montgomery Hackett: You sure ask a lotta questions, don't you, Carlton?
Carlton Blanchard: Well, my mother always told me 'There's no such thing as a stupid question'.
Brian Hackett: Run that one about the monkey past her sometime.