Josh Lyman: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
Toby Ziegler: God bless America.
President Josiah Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: While you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm sorry. Uh, you're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: It's good to have you here.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Thank you.
President Josiah Bartlet: The awesome impact of the airwaves and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions, but also obviously how it can... Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: A Ph.D.
President Josiah Bartlet: A Ph.D.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: Yes, Sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: In psychology?
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No, Sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Theology?
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Social work?
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I have a Ph.D. in English literature.
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm asking 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name Dr. Jacobs on your show, and I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that and assumed you had advanced training in psychology, theology or health care.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't believe they are confused. No, Sir.
C.J. Cregg: I think you're Director of Operations and you're neglecting your responsibilities...
Toby Ziegler: That's crap.
C.J. Cregg: So you can behave like the director of the FBI.
Toby Ziegler: I'm waiting for the director of the FBI to behave that way. I'm waiting for the Justice Department to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for Congress to behave that way. I'm waiting for the White House to behave that way!
C.J. Cregg: You want to lock up everybody with a white sheet?
Toby Ziegler: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Who has a problem with that? Bring them to me right now. Yes, I do!
Charlie Young: Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
Leo McGarry: You're going out?
Charlie Young: Yeah.
Leo McGarry: Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
Charlie Young: [taken aback] Hey, Leo, I...
Leo McGarry: Secret Service protection, Charlie, but thanks for loading me up with that image.
Charlie Young: Yeah, we'll have extra protection.
President Josiah Bartlet: And can you believe I'm on hold?
C.J. Cregg: You're not, sir. You finished the call.
President Josiah Bartlet: I did?
C.J. Cregg: Yes, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: How'd it go?
C.J. Cregg: Very well.
C.J. Cregg: You're pissed at me?
Toby Ziegler: I'm saying, I could've used your support in there.
C.J. Cregg: You get my support the same way I get yours: when I agree with what you're saying or when I don't care about what you're saying. This time I disagreed.
President Josiah Bartlet: [addressing a radio personality party in the White House, entering room to applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you, but the polls don't close in the east for another hour, and there are plenty of election results still left to falsify.
Leo McGarry: I can't believe I didn't commit that piece of arcane information to memory.
President Josiah Bartlet: I don't need to wait another week.
Leo McGarry: Sir, let's play a game of "Who Do You Think I'm Going to Agree With?" Fourteen doctors say you should wait another week before assuming a campaign schedule. Who do you think I'm going to agree with?
President Josiah Bartlet: Get away from me.
Leo McGarry: Yes, sir.