Josh Lyman: [explaining why he cannot accept the NSC evacuation card] I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye.
Bob Engler: [Regarding UFOs] These things happen and go unexplained. you don't think this is something you should take to the President?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Bob Engler: Again may I ask why not?
Sam Seaborn: Because there are levels and an order to our air defense command and to jump from our radar officer to the commander-in-chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob Engler: Like what?
Sam Seaborn: Like the Pentagon and, you know, perhaps therapy.
[the Senior Staff are playing a pick-up basketball game with the President]
Josh Lyman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm making a substitution.
Toby Ziegler: Who is this guy?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.
Toby Ziegler: A ringer, perhaps?
President Josiah Bartlet: Mr. Grant is a federal employee.
[Mr. Grant is played by real-life NBA forward Juwan Howard]
Toby Ziegler: You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.
President Josiah Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Josh Lyman: Toby's got a point there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: When have I ever cheated?
Toby Ziegler: Up in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American consulate in Vienna.
President Josiah Bartlet: And she did.
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...
Toby Ziegler: It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?
President Josiah Bartlet: What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? Do you know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in the times when our eyes looked towards the heavens and, with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God. Here's to absent friends and the ones that are here now. Cheers.
Mandy Hampton: Yes, so, Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big ole stick up his butt, that would be good too.
President Josiah Bartlet: I *am* an economics professor with a big ole stick up my butt, but I'll do my best for you there, Mandy.
Toby Ziegler: ...If I were an actor or a writer or uh, uh, uh, a producer in Hollywood and someone were to start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.
President Josiah Bartlet: Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?
Toby Ziegler: No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.
Bob Engler: I would like you to show the President some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact.
Sam Seaborn: I really can't do that.
Bob Engler: May I ask why not?
Sam Seaborn: Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way it won't work out well for me.
President Josiah Bartlet: [during a basketball game with Toby, Josh, and Charlie] Let the poets write about that *there*, Byron!
C.J. Cregg: Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero.
Josh Lyman: Right. Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local Gomers that you see in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job?
[Donna doesn't give him a stack of papers he needs]
Donna Moss: Excuse me.
Josh Lyman: You work hard at your job.
Donna Moss: How hard?
Josh Lyman: Very hard.
Donna Moss: And I am?
Josh Lyman: Not at all controlling.
Donna Moss: [about a meeting Josh has with National Security] What do you think it's about?
Josh Lyman: I don't know, but this is the White House, so it's probably not that important.
C.J. Cregg: Josh!
Josh Lyman: Yes ma'am?
C.J. Cregg: There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh Lyman: What's it about?
C.J. Cregg: Smallpox.
Josh Lyman: The disease?
C.J. Cregg: No, the dessert topping Josh. Yes, the disease.
President Josiah Bartlet: Is it time for my 10:00 a.m. scolding?
Economist: [speaking to the President] You knew those numbers in your head?
Leo McGarry: The President's startlingly freakish that way.
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm sorry, but some of my staff has been waiting and they haven't had the chance to bother me for a couple hours.
C.J. Cregg: Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the President?
Dolores Landingham: They seem to be having a disagreement.
C.J. Cregg: A disagreement or a fight?
Dolores Landingham: Well, it certainly has potential...
President Josiah Bartlet: [Yelling from the next room] Oh for God's sakes, Toby!
Dolores Landingham: There we go.
Leo McGarry: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
Toby Ziegler: Huh.
Leo McGarry: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Toby Ziegler: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo McGarry: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Seaborn: Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
Leo McGarry: And Sam goes on my list!
Sam Seaborn: And what about Toby?
Leo McGarry: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Mandy Hampton: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.